Where do you begin when you feel like you have so much to say? How do you explain to someone that the past 23 years of your life you were not really living? I have spent this past week in Brasov, Romania with about 200 current and alumni World Racers. We gathered together with AIM staff for the Awakening, a conference to encourage, inspire, and challenge our lives. All I can say is God rocked my world.
Some of you know my life story and some of you don’t, but growing up I struggled with feelings of fear and insecurity. They manifested in different ways, and at different stages of my life, but a fear of failure and rejection have always been there. I never really believed I was good enough for anyone or anything, even God. I have lived my life trying to please others so that I could feel loved and accepted. I have held myself back and hindered my own growth because I was so afraid of failing or messing up. I knew deep down that God loved me and there was no reason to have this fear in my life, yet I could never fully believe it. I went to counseling for three years, yet I could not seem to fully overcome my own insecurities. I just felt like I was missing something. I had done everything I could to try to deal with my fears, but I still wasn’t living the life I wanted. All of that changed for me at the Awakening.
Leading up to the conference, I knew something was going to happen. Change was coming. God had been using AIM staff, squadmates, and my teammates to reach out to me. Let me explain. God talks to us. When we hear that voice inside our heads or get a feeling in the pit of our stomachs, that’s God, Well, I was so used to hearing the lies in my head and doing whatever I wanted to, I had put a wall up with God. So instead, God spoke through people I would lisen to since I was having such a hard time hearing from Him myself.
In Bucarest, Romania one of my squadmates prayed with me and then told me things he felt like God was telling him. I know it sounds crazy, but my squadmate was sharing things that I had not told anyone. He revealed my fears and understood I was going to have to make a choice to continue living in fear or finally be free. I was completely shocked and overwhelmed that someone I hardly knew could know me so well. Time and again, as other racers and staff have prayed with me, they have all shared words similar to what I was told in Bucarest. I hold onto my past with shame and regret. I live in fear. I do not believe I am beautiful and worthy of love. I expect nothing and feel like I deserve nothing. These are the lies that have been going round and round in my head all my life. I knew they were lies, but I did not understand how to be free of them.
I kept being told that it was a choice. I had to make the decision to believe in the truth and trust in God. I understood that God was pursuing me through these other people, but eventually I was going to have to make that leap of faith on my own. God wanted a personal relationship with me, not through other people. Sometimes it’s easier to hear from a tangible person that you can actually see, and so that’s how God started with me. He understood that I needed to hear from a person I could touch and see that God loves me. He understood that because of all the lies I had believed for so many years I needed someone to speak against those lies.
So at the Awakening, after countless people had prayed with me and told me how much God loves me and how worthy I am of His love, I finally believed it. I could not deny God’s love after He had so persistently pursued me. I could no longer deny the truth after it had been spoken to me so many times. I was scared to death to make that choice and truly believe I am God’s beloved, but I knew that was the only way to live in complete freedom. When we choose to believe the lies were told in life that we are failures, unlovable, and worthless, we are living in bondage. Those lies keep us from taking risks and reaching our potential. When we choose to believe in the truth that God loves us and we are worthy of that love because of Christ’s death, we can live in freedom. There’s nothing to fear because Christ paid th price and all that’s left is to make a choice to believe in that truth.
For some, like me, making that choice was so hard because you are giving complete control over to God. You are recognizing that there is absolutely nothing you can do to save yourself, it has already been done. I wish I could better explain how freeing it is to give your whole heart to God and truly believe in His unconditional love for you, but all I can do is share my own story and leave the decision up to you.
