It happened in a South African Christian bookstore.
I was browsing the overwhelmingly large assortment of bibles and self-help books semi-browsing but kind of secretly hoping to have some sort of spiritual encounter that jumps out on me…
While standing there I’m pretty sure the people working thought I was in need of some spiritual guidance (but aren’t we all?)..
Looking at the familiar titles of books I’ve downloaded and read or discussed with my squad mates this year like Love Does, The Hole in Our Gospel, Circle Maker, Redeeming Love….the emotions of everything I’ve been experiencing lately welled up inside and nearly left me in tears in the middle of a Christian Bookstore in South Africa.
Less than 40 days out I’m trying to make sense of it all.
I have been trying to process all that I have experienced this past year…how I have grown spiritually and in my relationship with Jesus Christ, I’ve been making sense of the darkness and light of the world I have witnessed with my very own eyes… all the while overcoming the anxieties and fears I have of returning home.
I’ve been trying to make sense of where I will fit in upon my return.
Will I be lonely? Will people understand? What happens when I am tempted of things from my past? Will the strength I’ve fought so hard to gain after a hard break up in the middle of the race falter once I’m home? Who am I? What are my next steps? Where am I going to work? Will I stay in Virginia? Tennessee, maybe?
The truth is…I don’t know any of these answers.
I don’t know the answers…but I’m trusting in God to guide me through it all.
He took me on the race so He could prepare me to come home from the race.
It has been a battle of the mind lately….one where I battle to stay focused and present while forgetting about my worries and my fears and letting the emotions of those take over.
But I’m not letting the other forces win.
I’m winning this battle.
I have less than 40 incredible days to push in like never before. I get to focus on my weakest points and grow. I get to be surrounded by a family of friends that love me through my weakest points. I am surrounded by God’s incredible creation. I get to serve the least of these while God prepares my heart for the next season.
With Jesus at our side, we are always winning.
There are times I might feel like the weaker one in battle, and there are times I want to give up in a moment of weakness…but the Holy Spirit inside of me says “press on.”
With Jesus at my side, I am prepared for whatever comes my way next.
Lord,
I need you now. I need you every single day of my life for I don’t want to know a life without you. I pray for strength through my weakest days. I pray for clarity and vision of what’s next. I pray that you will continue to equip and use me to serve the least of these. I pray that the passions you have placed on my heart grow even stronger and wilder with each and every passing day. I thank you for your love. I can’t imagine my world without you. I don’t want to imagine a world without you. Thank you. Thank you for everything you continue to bless me with. Thank you for every trial for I know you have a way of working through them all.
Amen.
