I applied to thirteen graduate schools. Why? Because I was told to.
When I declared my major as speech-language pathology when I was a college freshman, I essentially signed up for a 6-year program.
But when I was going on grad school interviews and reloading my email to see if I received a response letter, I realized I had been praying the wrong prayer all along.
I kept praying that the Lord would direct me to the school He wanted me to attend. And that’s not wrong, but I think I simply skipped a step.
I never asked if He wanted me to go to grad school.
So my friend told me I needed to pray the BIG prayer, so I did.
The very moment I wrote in my prayer journal, “Alright God, where do you want me next year,” I broke down. Before I knew it, I had tears streaming down my face and a good friend knocking on my door.
What I realized was this: Every Google search, every question I asked about grad school revolved around what I can do to find fulfillment outside of the speech-language pathology program. I needed fulfillment because I knew the program wouldn’t be enough. Where could I volunteer? What ministry could I get involved with? Who would be my mentor? What younger girls could I pour into?
I realized that I looked at a grad school program as two years of loneliness. Two years of getting a degree that I didn’t really care about. I realized that the only reason I was pursing this idea was because that is what everyone kept telling me was next. I was pursing this idea because it was a guaranteed way for my parents to be proud of me.
So, what now?
Bob Goff put it best when he said, “I used to be afraid of failing at something that really mattered to me, but now I am more afraid of succeeding at things that don’t matter.”
I didn’t care to be hooded with my masters of speech-language pathology. That would be an excellent addition to my resume, but if I didn’t care about it, would it even hold much weight? Or would it just feel like an actual weight?
I believe that the Lord has had my days written for me since before I was even a thought in my parents’ minds (Psalm 139:16). I believe that the Lord establishes my steps (Proverbs 16:9) and His plan for me is greater than anything I can dream up on my own. I believe all of these things, but this was an opportunity to apply my beliefs to my circumstances, but that seemed to be a little harder than maybe it should’ve been.
I felt super lost. I didn’t know what I was going to do next and I forsure didn’t want to talk about it. I couldn’t stand the thought of people realizing that I was lost. It would be embarrassing.
I knew the Lord was telling me not to go to grad school, but where was he telling me to go? I was a graduating senior. I needed answers.
Did God provide me with an answer? Yes, duh. Did I doubt Him? Okay, maybe a little.
He provided and He provided me with a big, radical, and gorgeous plan.
The January 2017 Route 3, has my name written all over it.
And I ask, “Hey God are you sure?”
And He says, “Yes. I wrote your name right next to mine in permanent marker. I stamped it on your passport and on your heart many, many years ago. Thanks for finally praying the BIG prayer Hil, I wanted to give you the BIG answer for so long now.”
