This is a blog I’ve begun writing over and over again in my head. I have found myself unable (unwilling? Unprepared?) to fully process what is calling me to the mission field, much less coherently put my thoughts together to share with others. Here is my best attempt to be transparent with myself and with all of you, my friends, family, and supporters.
I feel as though little fragments of my life have been pointing me toward the World Race, though the pieces of the puzzle are only beginning to come together. Daily interactions with friends and coworkers, casual conversations, and overwhelming feelings that have been present over the past two years since I began Teach For America are pieces to the puzzle. The image beginning to form from these interactions, conversations, and feelings? A picture showing chronic discontentment. A picture in which my worth is defined by my academic and teaching success. A picture revealing my failure to shine God’s light as I am called to.
I had a conversation during the winter of 2009 with my mentor teacher during one of our mutual planning periods. He is someone who, despite having very different religious beliefs than my own, loves and serves others in a way that shows the hand of God on him. He has such a sense of peace about him and draws people in, making him both an effective teacher and a friend who challenges me to be a better person. This particular day we were discussing contentment and he explained how a life of work, family, and travel would bring him a content life. I sat thinking for a minute and stated, “I don’t think there’s anything that would make me content. I’ll always feel like I need to be doing more-like what I’m doing isn’t enough.” His response? “Tobe, that’s sad. You need to do something about that.”
Though I didn’t immediately do anything with this conversation, it is one that has stuck with me. This conversation creeps into my mind with some regularity, reminding me that a: I am not content, and b: I won’t be unless I look to Jesus, not my own earthly success, to define who I am. This conversation is one piece of a puzzle revealing a picture of the path leading me toward the World Race-toward a life of stepping into the person God created me to be.
What I’m beginning to realize as these pieces come together: I am looking for validation of who I am through what this world deems “success.” Though I’m looking in all the wrong places, I’m becoming more and more aware that a flawless transcript will not bring me happiness-the classes weren’t that hard. High academic achievement for my students won’t bring me happiness-I could have done more for them. My attempts to change their life paths weren’t enough. A piece of paper with “Teacher of the Year” won’t bring me happiness-what did I really do to earn it? Having a solid group of friends won’t bring me happiness-how well do they really know me? Am I really that good of a friend? Training new teachers to close the achievement gap won’t bring me happiness-someone else could be doing a better job. For every accomplishment I use to define myself and my worth, there is an excuse as to why it is not enough. Defining my worth in anything other than God’s love will never bring any validation, purpose, meaning, or truth.
Could I allow God to break down the lies of what defines me and my worth right here in the US? Of course. God can do anything anywhere. But the lies are so deep, so engrained, that I feel God calling me to surrender my life in every way, fully submitting to His will. These 11 months aren’t solely about the lives I’ll touch during this time, but allowing God to touch my life. The World Race is about refusing to allow myself to define my worth in anything but God’s love and truth. It is about fully inviting God to enter my heart and refusing to look outside of God to validate me, so that I am spending the rest of my life working for His glory, not my own. A life trying to glorify myself will never lead to anything aside from chronic discontentment and an insatiable thirst for a validation that will never come. I’m called to the World Race so that I can find myself content not in what I do, not in the accomplishments I make or in a seemingly impressive resume, but in being God’s beloved child and spending my life serving others in a way that is pleasing to Him. Only then will I truly be able to serve– not just the many people I encounter on this race, but all those I encounter throughout the rest of my life– regardless of where God leads me.
I have been called to step out of a life of discontentment and into one of freedom, love, and surrender.I have been called to the World Race so that God can begin revealing to me my place in an intricate puzzle infinitely greater than my own life. I am called to the mission field to love, to be loved, to receive God’s light and allow my life to reflect God’s light to all those I encounter.
If you would like to support my call to the mission field-my call to surrender my life to God-I am still in need of prayer as well as $9,118 in donations. Any donation is greatly appreciated and can be made by clicking on the link that says “support me” on the left.
