Jesus has a very special love for you. As for me, the silence and the emptiness is so great that I look and do not see, listen and do not hear.
There was a time when I heard the voice of God-a time when His presence was undeniable to me. As I walked to and from class it felt as though He was walking beside me, our conversation as real as one I would have with any one of you. There were experiences I had during college in which the presence of the Holy Spirit was so real, so tangible, that I recall writing in my journal, “Though you have had your doubts, there is no way you can deny the experience you just had. You have now felt the power of God and will be able to live a life of faith despite circumstances and negative feelings. Remember this always.”
And then I left college. I imagined that as I joined the “real world” with Teach For America, leaving behind all that was familiar to me, my faith would deepen and I would hear the voice of God in a way I never had before. I was consumed by hope and expectation of what this next phase of life had to offer. I was confident I would find the “right” church, serve there in meaningful ways, develop my spiritual giftings, and dive deep into community. The future was alive with promise.
What I found instead was a time of great spiritual darkness that has not yet left me, my ears deaf to the voice of God, my eyes blind to much of His beauty. The presence of the Holy Spirit that once lay thick upon me seems like nothing more than the remnants of a powerful dream. As I sought out God I heard nothing but silence, felt nothing but intense loneliness. Despite the absolute confidence I once had not only in God’s existence, but in God’s goodness and power, I began to have my doubts.
Though Mother Theresa is looked at as one of the most faithful women of the 20th century-though it would seem obvious she had a rich spiritual life with Jesus-letters to her mentor reveal a different inner world than that which she showed to the world outside. For decades Mother Theresa struggled with spiritual darkness. She wrote, “When I try to raise my thoughts to Heaven there is such convicting emptiness that those very thoughts return like sharp knives & hurt my very soul. I am told God loves me, and yet the reality of darkness & coldness & emptiness is so great that nothing touches my soul.”
As I went through training camp for the World Race I cried out to God. I cried out to hear His voice, to feel His presence. Surrounded by people powerfully encountering God, I felt further from God than we are from the stars. As I looked up at the night sky I wasn’t amazed by His beauty; rather, I felt sick to my stomach as my heart and mind began to doubt the existence of a God that once drew so near to me.
As my soul cried out to my Heavenly Father, each unanswered prayer, each night of silence made Him seem more and more an unreachable entity.
But I knew better. I know better. I recognize that what I am experiencing
what Mother Theresa experienced
what nearly every believer will experience
is a part of life. It is a part of our humanity.
Though I wish I could understand why I am experiencing these years of silence, I know God has a reason for all of this. God has a reason that my human mind cannot in this moment comprehend. Though I am tempted to turn away from the silence of God to the tangible comforts of this world, I am ruined for anything other than His love.
I have my doubts. I’m sure many of you have your own doubts. Some of you, I know, are not believers. You have not yet been ruined for anything other than His love. I pray those of you that do not know God encounter His amazing love. I pray your are open to it. I pray that those of you who know his love can be encouraged in knowing that in your time of doubts you are far from alone. Trust in God and live in faith. Though the silence hurts, God is using it for his greater purpose and despite what you feel, God is always beside you.
