I came on the race knowing exactly what I would be doing post-race: going to graduate school to pursue a social work degree. Sure, going into the race not having a specific plan for the future is okay for some people, but certainly not for someone like me. Not for someone who fears wasted time, wasted moments, wasted life.
I graduated in three years because I could and because there was work that needed to be done within the educational system in our nation.
I earned my Master’s in Education while teaching full time because it seemed like an opportunity I shouldn’t pass up.
I went straight from teaching to a summer job working 18 hours a day up until the night before training camp because I wanted one last chance to make a difference with Teach For America before going to the nations.
I went on the race and deferred grad school for a year because I wanted to know that graduate school is waiting for me when I come back.
Truth #1: I like plans. I like control. And I don’t want to waste the life God has given me.
Truth #2 (a truth that I find myself afraid to admit to): I am tired-so tired-and I honestly can’t remember the last time I wasn’t tired. Maybe sometime in college? High school? I really don’t know.
I have spent the last six years of my life pushing myself to the limits of myself. I have had amazing experiences and have seen God move both throughout the nations and in America in incredible ways. I am confident that if I chose to pursue graduate school this fall that God would bless it and I would continue to see Him move in incredible ways, because he works everything together for the good of those who love Him. I’m also confident that God is calling me to a season of rest.
That’s right, the girl who had post-race life planned before stepping foot on a plane to LAX is returning to the US not knowing her next step. I know that I will get into Detroit on July 31st. I will be taking a trip to St. Louis on August 5th and will be having a family gathering on August 21st. I will be traveling to Georgia for The Awakening and a retreat in mid-September. Beyond that, I have no concrete plans.
A few weeks ago I began journaling about what I would want to do if I decided to return home without a plan-no job, no school, nothing. I wrote down that I want to spend quality time with my family, my relatives, and my friends. I want to write. I want to learn guitar. I want to visit friends from Loyola and from Teach For America. I want to go to IHOP (the house of prayer, not the house of pancakes…though that would work, too). I want to find a church to attend in Michigan. I want to make “ask-the-Lord” ministry a regular part of my life. I want to run a 5k. I want to spend time with my sister up at college. I want to invest in people’s lives and love them well. I want to slow down. I want to learn to live well and to dream big dreams again.
As I enter into a season with more questions than answers, I don’t know what this will look like, how long this season of rest will last, where my finances will come from, or what my day-to-day life will look like. I have moments where I find myself fearing what people will think of me taking time off or of being almost 25 and living at home. I feel foolish changing my mind after announcing to the world my big decision to attend UofM. But I also know that I won’t let fear dictate my decisions.
I’m both nervous and excited to not have a planfor the first time in a long time and believe God is about to take me on a journey to a whole new level of trusting Him.
