Hello, everyone! I know it’s been a minute since I last checked in. There’s always a million different things swirling around in my mind, yet often times I fail to gather my thoughts and form coherent sentences that make sense to everyone else. However, today, there is something that has been weighing on my heart and my mind that I wanted to share.
Over the past several weeks and months even, many people have mentioned to me that because of fear or anxiety they aren’t able to do some of the things that they had previously dreamed about. I’ve even heard comments like “You wouldn’t understand because you get up in front of people to sing on the worship team every week” or “I know that doesn’t make sense to you because you’re brave for going on the World Race”. These statements couldn’t be more wrong though!
Anxiety is something that I have struggled with ever since I was a teenager. Anyone who knows me knows that I am not a fan of getting up in front of people or being put on the spot. Furthermore, I love to have a game plan for any and every activity and sometimes get unnecessarily worked up when unfamiliar situations arise. In the past I allowed this anxiety to keep me from trying new things and I would often revert into my shell in situations that made me uncomfortable– so like ALL THE TIME. I was 100% guilty of hiding beside my sister and my bolder friend, but I’m happy to say that that’s not me anymore.
I didn’t get rid of that person overnight though. It has literally taken me YEARS to get to 2019 Heaven. Years of my pastors, mentors, family, and friends pulling me out of my shell and pushing me outside of my comfort zone. Seven years ago I was hesitant to even join the choir at my church, and today I’m being trained up to lead worship. Two years ago I had decided that the World Race probably wasn’t for me and that I should follow a different dream after finishing my master’s degree. Yet, today, here I am less than five months away from launch.
In the past I often times prayed that God would make me more like this or that person so that I wouldn’t have to deal with this. But then I stopped praying that because I realized I shouldn’t want to be like anyone else. God made me ME for a reason. So then I began to pray that God would make me bold. And I prayed this for a VERY long time. I prayed it over and over and never felt a boldness inside of me, so I just kept on praying some more. Then one year things changed for me. First I was asked to fill in for the worship leaders at my church, and then I was asked to speak on a panel in front of an actual crowd. My initial instinct to both things was “NOOOOOO. Like, don’t you know who I am? You’re asking me, Heaven, to do this? Wrong sister.”
But God instantly convicted me for thinking like this. He said, “Don’t you know who I am?” *Cricket Cricket* So, I did it. I spoke on that panel and I lead worship at my church and guess what, I didn’t spontaneously combust after either event. Recently while I was reflecting on how far I’ve come God whispered to me saying “THAT is boldness”. Some people are just bold, and they walk in that boldness in all that they do. For some of us, boldness is a choice. It’s not something that comes naturally for us, and that’s okay! So long as we don’t let that keep us from living our lives to the fullest extent. For some of us, it must be a choice to continually be bold and not let anxiety dictate our future. Anxiety is something that still tries to creep in on an almost daily basis, but I’ve learned to make that choice of boldness again and again and I plan on continuing to make that choice as many times as necessary to live my best life!
Some of you might be wondering how this is relevant to me going on the World Race, but this revelation had everything to do with me embarking on this adventure! I made the choice to be bold when I said “yes” to the World Race, instead of letting anxiety keep me from this God-given dream.
I hope that if you have dealt with or are dealing with anxiety that you would be encouraged by this post. It starts with just ONE choice to be bold, and then you take it one choice at a time from there.
Much love, Heaven
