Dear Daddy,
This month has been full of surprises. You have appointed many conversations that have brought light to dark places and freedom from wounds and fears. You have brought our whole squad together to become more vulnerable, loving, and caring for one another. You are teaching us that this missions trip is not just for the brokenness around the world but for each other. While we move dirt, climb mountains, dig ditches, and sweat under the hot sun together we are actually communing and ministering to each other.
This month is not only ministering to the locals but also to each other. You are taking all of us on a new journey of intimacy with You and finding our identity through You. It amazes me that we are trying to get to the same goal just through different paths because we have all walked in different shoes. You are taking me through a path of old places and showing me old wounds that I thought I had over come but had just put bandages on…
I have forgiven the people that have wounded me but have not dealt with the emotions that go along with those situations. You are teaching me that I have many defensive walls blocking intimacy with You, friends, and relationships. I back away when red flags occur that brings up old emotions from my past because it may be a similar situation. I either walk away from it and ignore the way it has made me feel or don't even acknowledge that it hurts me and bury the emotions that come up with that situation.
I thought that the numbness was a place of maturity that those situations didn't bother me anymore. However, now that you are arising old wounds to prune me, I now realize it is a wall of defense that has brought me to a place of not wanting to trust You completely, not wanting to be pursued by You or anyone else, not wanting to be longed for by You, friends, or family because I am fine with out that pursuit.
I am an independent woman that loves The Lord and doesn't need anyone else but Him. I wear my heart on my sleeve and am not scared to share my story. However it's ok if you only have a little bit of time for me because we all got other things we need to be doing. I am ok without the pursuit because it always comes to an end once you get to know someone its not a continual our site so why start it anyways…
(My thought process in a nutshell of why it's okay to not want to be pursued)
This valentines day the men on our squad were lead by The Lord to purely love on us as amazing brothers in Christ. They showered us with candies and encouraging notes in the morning for breakfast, throughout the day gave words of encouragement, and asked us to dress up because they had a special evening planned for us. They walked us into the dinning hall, gave us a rose, served us a fabulous and delicious dinner, put on an awesomely funny and entertaining show, and then read us a deceleration of a promise as brothers in Christ that they want to love us as Christ does and treat us with respect and honor. They wanted us to know that they were sorry that men in our past had hurt us and wanted tonight to show that we can and deserve to be treated with love and respect.
(Normally this type of thing would have won me over. I am a helpless romantic at heart and not to lie it did tear me up but for some reason I didn't want any of this attention. I didn't want the flowers, words of affirmation, support, or love)
Lord, You have shown me that I know in my head how much I am worth and how much You love me. I know that I deserve this respect, love, and honor. However, because of my old wounds, I have put up a wall that I don't believe it in my inner man and heart. I am scared that if it is really real again like I once had it would get taken away from me again. I am walking in defense mode and unbelief because I have had it before and then it was gone and I don't want to go through that pain again.
I don't want to be in this place now that I know I am walk in a defensive mode. However, I am scared to get out of it, it leaves me in a place of vulnerability and the opportunity to get hurt again. I am fresh meat to be taken advantage of again. I know if my eyes are fixed on You that everything else will fall into place. But I am scared to let go and let you lead in fear of getting hurt again. I want to trust You so bad with every situation that I am in but if I am honest I don't know how to let it go and not pick it up again. This pain is just to real and it feels like its just happening all over again.
I need Your presence more than ever! Daddy come fill this void of insecurities and unworthiness.
