When I signed up for the race, I had been attending my church for about 3 years. I have grown tremendously, from only knowing the basics of Christianity, to starting to understand the stories and knowing that there is more to this Jesus thing than I thought!
Our author, our creator, our father, our best friend, our savior.. wants a relationship with us. Not just a few prayers you say once in a while when you need Him, or just going to church when you feel obligated. But a real relationship, one where you give and take, you need to put in effort, you need to fight for quality time and work at it! I wasn’t that good at this.
I started to attend church weekly,H I joined the worship team, participated in mission trips and attended young adult groups every Sunday. I felt like I was doing it right! But I can honestly say that not much else in my life changed. I was making decisions that didn’t represent Jesus and I was STILL a luke-warm Christian. I was just sticking my big toe in the water, afraid to dive in! Afraid of denial, afraid of being hurt and afraid of letting go of control.
I didn’t realize I was afraid of surrender until I joined the race. At training camp I was introduced to a whole new world of Jesus! A world of listening prayer, a world of hearing from Him and not just me talking. At this time I wasn’t even comfortable praying, never mind out loud, and definitely not comfortable sitting there in silence waiting to hear BACK from Him.
whaat!? This is a thing!!??
Where have I been? What does He sound like? What am I looking for? How do I know it’s not just my own thoughts?
I started to be swarmed with thoughts that I am not truly a Christian..I was suddenly suffocating in comparison to my peers.
I’d like to say these feelings dwindled when I entered the mission field… but of course the box I put myself in seemed to be shrinking, the walls were closing in on me and I started to panic. I was growing in so many ways… I was evangelizing for the first time, I was praying out loud, I was reading my bible and actually understanding what I was reading and applying it to my life! I thought I was doing it all!
So why am I still incapable of hearing His voice?
Every time I try and I close my eyes, my mind goes blank. Nothing. I get nothing. Not even my own thoughts or imagination. Just me saying to myself “nothing? Hello!? Really??”
I started to get extremely discouraged. I was embarrassed and I was ashamed that I was unable to connect to God like my team and squad. I started to doubt. I started to question everything I had worked so hard on achieving and everything I knew was true. I got so discouraged that I was questioning what I believed.
In Ghana, I had had enough. One night during service, they broke into prayer. There was so much going on, people were speaking in tongues (something else I am still trying to understand) people were yelling, singing, pacing and the room echoed with praises to God. I usually feel uncomfortable, or get distracted people watching that I’m not able to focus on praying myself. But tonight was different. When worship ended and we were asked to pray I kept my arms lifted high and literally had it out with God.
I told him every doubt and every fear I had and how I was basically loosing my mind. I needed a sign that I wasn’t crazy, that I was here for a reason and that He heard my prayers. I yelled, I cried and I pleaded for some form of acknowledgement. I was suddenly startled when I felt a tap on my shoulder. When I opened my eyes and wiped the tears away I saw my beautiful teammate Hannah. She leaned in and said :
“God just told me to come pray for you” at this moment my heart sank!!
SAYYY WHATT!?!
She held me close, spoke clearly into my ear and the first words spoken were “God knows you’re struggling, he knows you have doubts and feeling discouraged but he wants you to know he hears you.” I broke down. I couldn’t control the tears at this point. I was astonished that within seconds of me yelling at the God for a sign, He sent someone precious to me to speak into me and validate my beliefs with encouragement to not give up!
I left the church with a feeling of relief, a weight lifted off my chest and a knowing that God truly does hear us when we call for Him. It just took a moment of weakness for me to let Him in. He showed me thatj just because I don’t hear Him on demand, doesn’t mean he’s not listening or He’s not communicating with me in other ways. It’s the little things you need to take the time to acknowledge, the little signs and subtle actions that God uses to let us know He’s there. I laughed at the thought of all the doubts I had been harboring.
My mind was rocked that night and I was so excited to share my experience! I was telling my friend Faith who is the worship leader at the church we are working with here in Ghana about my frustration and discouragement I was going through and about my fight with God that night. I told him how I was basically yelling at Him, asking for a sign and how He so graciously provided. And Faith looked at me and smiled. Asked me to open my bible to Psalms 116 and read:
Psalms 116. I love the LORD, for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy.
Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I live.
He then said to me, “no need to yell at God,He is always listening. When you yell at Him, you are literally screaming in his ear as if he was sitting right next to you! Just talk to him about it” he is so right and I look back at that night in the church and All I can do is be thankful. I am thankful He is so forgiving and understanding of my doubts. I am so grateful for the wonderful people God highlights to speak life into me and their obedience to follow through!
Matthew 7:7
Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you!!
I am a child of God and I have been chosen to embark on an incredible journey to travel the world and talk about Jesus with everyone! It wasn’t by coincidence that I ended up here, there is no coincidence In the people He brings me to and puts in my life. He has a plan for me and it’s beautiful and passionate and everything that He wants for my life.
Let me say it again.. I was chosen. I was brought here to share my story, invite people into my journey and encourage others to fight for their freedom, fight for their healing, find forgiveness in themselves and others, discover their salvation and love in Jesus!!!
As I sit here in Cambodia at a small coffee shop, Plopped on a pillow around a small coffee table, I’m writing about Gods confirmation that night and continuous listening ear.. I suddenly just noticed I’m talking about being Chosen. And a light bulb went off…
I received a key at Launch right before leaving for Africa that says “Chosen” This key was prayed over by my mobilizer and I was asked to find meaning in my key through out the Race. I had no idea what the meaning of this was. I started to overthink it, I thought there must be some extravagant reason God put this word on Austin’s heart..
But as I sit here looking down at my key, I am reminded how I have struggled considering myself good enough, wanted, needed or Christian enough. I thought my past would hinder my ability to be accepted and loved in a community of strong believers. But what I hadn’t accepted was that I was literally “chosen” for that reason. Chosen to share my past and how Jesus put me through it, walked me out of it and raised me above it!!!
What was giving me doubts was not God failing to show up for me in listening prayer, but the one thing discouraging me was ME!! Me not believing in myself. How can I hold onto such anger towards my past sin and pain when he has already forgiven it and laid it on the cross over and over again. Who am I to tell Jesus I’m not good enough?
Once I accepted this, I am able to see that I AM CHOSEN. And for so many reasons. God is using my big, incredibly sensitive and scarred heart to encourage, support, heal, listen, lift up, be honest, be firm and be completely open with the world around me.
It took me feeling broken enough to start yelling at God, asking for a sign, surrendering my fear of denial and accepting the fact that I was lost; to finally allow myself to be found!
The night He spoke to me through Hannah taught me more than the fact that God is always listening, but He confirmed my role in the World Race, my place in His home and HIS place in MY heart.
I am forever grateful for moments of clarity and rambling blogs to help process emotions I didn’t know existed.
I am chosen, not forsaken.
I am who you say I am.
You are for me, not against me.
I am who you say I am.
– Hillsong Worship
John 8:36
So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.
