I recently talked to my best friend from home. Like many of our conversations, we give each other the run down of what’s new with our lives: the good, the bad, and the lows and highs of our lives. She is the person I tell everything to. She is the one that I don’t need to use a filter with. Whatever comes out of my mouth just happens and she loves and understands me anyway. She is a great listener and can give me some pretty awesome spiritual advice.
On this particular phone call she fussed at me saying this month I’ve been slacking on my blogs and to do better because she misses reading them. I explained to her that this month I was struggling a bit because no one from home really wants to read about how hard the Race is, or to hear that some days I feel like I’m not okay. She told me, “Heather that’s not true. People come up to me and ask how you are “really” doing, because they know that you tell me everything.” She then clarified that people from home want to hear about all aspects of my life. They want to hear about the great days and my struggles. They want to see past the Instagram post of happiness and joy. Sometimes they want to see the not so joyful things, the things that don’t take place on my Instagram. They want to see these harder parts of my life because they want to pray for me and love me even from 9,000 miles away.
Most mornings I wake up and while I’m having my coffee I write in my journal. This mostly consists of my prayers to God, prayers for my team, family and friends, my gratitudes, and just other things I want to journal about. A few days ago when I sat down to journal the only thing that I could write was “Lord, I’m tired”. I sat with this on my paper for about 30 minutes before writing my next line, telling God all the ways I was tired. This “tired” wasn’t due to a lack of sleep, or a physical “my workout was too hard” tired. This was an overarching tired. This was an, “I’m in month four of my race with seven more months left” tired. This was an “I’m at the end of myself, Lord I need you now more than ever” tired.
Days on the race are long and some months seem even longer. I live in a state of pouring out, with a constant dependence on God to refill me. This is one of the most draining things about the Race. We are asked to pour ourselves out, not only on the mission field, but also with the six others we do life with on a daily basis. This is exhausting even when in constant prayer with God.
Now don’t get me wrong the Race is amazing and is filled with more good days than there are bad but to say there aren’t hard days would be a lie. There are days that I don’t want to get out of bed and do ministry. There are days that I want to crawl in the fetal position and cry. There are even days that I want to go home. There are also days when the question “Why am I here?” is constantly played through my mind. These days don’t happen often but when they do, it seems like God is no where to be found. I know this isn’t true and God is with me especially in these moments but He feels distant.
So here it is.. a vulnerable blog that I had trouble writing. We are heading into debrief, with new team changes on the horizon and if I’m being honest, this is tough. I want you to know how I’m feeling because you are my community and support and I know you love me. I want you in on this with me because you’re my team back home and I love you, too. Please be praying for me as I enter into this new transitional phase. I love ya’ll and thanks for always supporting me. PEACE
XOXO
Heather
