There comes a point when preparing for the Race that you just want to begin already. You just want to see your squad, jump on a plane, get to your first contact, and begin what you’ve been preparing for over the past several months. No more buying things that will make things condense in your pack. No more thinking about the things you couldn’t fit/didn’t want to spend the money on. No more saying goodbyes or wondering if today is the last day you’ll get to see so-and-so. No more tears of sadness when you realize that you just gave your life up for something you sometimes aren’t even 100% competent in. No more anxiety about JUST GETTING THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD.
You could say I’m at said point.
I’ve been there the past few days. Since New Years Eve when I had a fabulous farewell party with friends, family, and my wonderful sponsors who could make it out, I’ve been a mess of emotions and feelings. One moment, I want to scream at the clock to make it count faster. The next I want to smash the clock to make it stop dead in its tracks. I’m fairly certain this would be futile, though.
This feeling of anxiety and “readiness” is driving me crazy. Today I was talking with a dear friend and I said these exact words, “I just want to sleep through these next two days…”
Who says that?! That most certainly isn’t the way I want my last two days in RVA to look like. I don’t want them to slip through my fingers because the people here at home are precious to me in ways I cannot even begin to express.
I have a confession to make. You know when God keeps hinting at something and you just kind of brush it off, make excuses, and turn your ear a little so you don’t hear whatever it is? I think I’ve been doing that. Let’s backtrack a second to my farewell party. My sweet aunt sat me down in a quiet room and recited the Serenity Prayer followed by an explanation of what it meant to her. The prayer goes like this:
God, give me grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things
which should be changed,
and the Wisdom to distinguish
the one from the other.
Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
Taking, as Jesus did,
This sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it,
Trusting that You will make all things right,
If I surrender to Your will,
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with You forever in the next.
I immediately fell in love with the prayer and told my aunt that I’d put it in the front of my Bible so I would see it regularly. I did so yesterday and when I picked up my Bible tonight I read the prayer. The same part that struck a cord with me New Years Eve struck a cord with me tonight. “Living one day at a time, Enjoying one moment at a time.” This is where I turned my little ears away from the hinting once more, for a second time, and decided that I was doing just fine, thank you very much.
Next came my dad. He came to tell me goodnight and give me some advice and encouragement about the Race. He said to live each moment and be present in every circumstance. This time, I listened. Third time’s a charm, I guess… I wish I had gotten it the first time though.
The Lord doesn’t want this to be a time of misery. The Lord doesn’t want this to me to wish this all away and rush through goodbyes just so I can start the daggum World Race already. The Lord doesn’t want me to get so frustrated and exhausted from the emotional very highs and very lows I’m experiencing every day. He wants me to embrace these last days at home. He wants me to “be still and know that He is God” (Psalm 46:10). He wants me to lean on Him when my spirit gets overburdened and weak from all these feelings I carry.
Cast your burden on the LORD, and he will sustain you. – Psalm 55:22
It’s an attitude change. It’s a burden exchange. I cast my cares on Him, and in return, I get His easy yoke and light burden.
“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” – Matthew 11:28-30
Sometimes I cannot believe that I serve such a loving, selfless God. I’m humbled by His lowliness. I’m awed by His honest care for me. I’m wonder-struck by His unending grace. Even when I turn my ears away from His gentle guiding. He still loves me.
