“The thought of my suffering and homelessness is bitter beyond words. I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss. Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The faithful love of the LORD never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning. I say to myself, “The LORD is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in him!” The LORD is good to those who depend on him, to those who search for him.”
Lamentations 3:19-25 NLT
The first few mornings after my marriage was decidedly over, I could hardly get out of bed. The words: “His mercies are new every morning” swirled through my dark thoughts, giving me a glimmer of hope to hang on to that good days would come again.
At first, a good day looked like getting out of bed, eating toast and maybe an egg, and brushing my teeth. That’s all I could manage.
But soon it looked like setting goals:
– I signed up for a 12km race – which gave me five months to get my body working right again
– I chose to rebuild my life by getting an apartment with my sister, re-engaging with my desire to travel by exploring Oregon, Hawaii, and then heading off to school in California where I had the opportunity to go to Australia and Morocco.
– I chose to pursue wholeness which looked like seeing a number of healthcare providers to rehabilitate my mind and body.
– I spent two years studying at the Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry focusing on inner healing. I grew farther and faster than I could have ever dreamed.
– I was intentional about learning how to do relationship and communication well, especially with men.
“Who is this coming up from the wilderness leaning in her beloved?”
Song of Songs 8:5 NIV
Today I am miles away from the girl who originally went into the Wilderness fourteen years ago. I can hardly recognize her compared to who I am now.
I think differently. See differently. Act differently.
“In that day,” declares the Lord, “you will call me ‘my husband’; you will no longer call me ‘my master’ “.
Hosea 2:16 NIV
For me, the Wilderness centred around intimacy with God…knowing who He is for me and what He is like. Even the sound of His voice.
He is Provider. Protector. Lover.
He is faithful and unfailing.
I am His. He is mine.
“Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, it’s jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame. Many waters cannot quench love; river cannot sweep it away. If one where to give all the wealth of one’s house for love, it would be utterly scorned.”
Song of Songs 8:6,7 NIV
I had to come out of the wilderness different than how I went in.
I needed to see that He actually had a better life prepared for me.
To taste and see what He’s made me capable of doing and enduring within Him.
I needed to experience Him…letting Him show Himself to me.
And stubbornly I battled Him…which was really just me battling myself.
He stripped me of many former sin-habits – the lies I had accepted, the unforgiveness, the pride…
He showed to me that I was MORE than simply a conqueror. (Romans 8:31-39)
I am a daughter.
I am a glorious Bride.
What did I learn in the wilderness?
A lot.
Much more than I have room to share here…
But I’ll give you five Wilderness treasures I found:
Thankfulness
Choosing to be thankful has allowed me to endure every circumstance that comes my way. It keeps me encouraged, rooted in Peace, and reminds me of God’s goodness towards me.
Thankfulness is a side of worship I was designed for, and I need it to thrive.
Forgiveness
Releasing the ones who have hurt me (myself included) allows me to move forward and truly heal.
Grieving
Grieving and weeping have been a deeply healing part of my transformation. I needed to see plainly my old and broken ways, what had been stolen, the depth of wounds…recognizing I could do nothing to heal myself or change my history. Taking time to grieve and weep gave me release – making room for God to bring in something incredibly wonderful and better for me.
Living from God’s Perspective
In the Wilderness, I began developing a habit of asking God for His perspective on a situation above my own. His view is always clear and true. From this place I can choose how to respond instead of react.
Not understanding is okay
Living with mystery is something I am learning to get used to with God because I trust Him. Now that I am sure of His goodness, this isn’t as hard as it once was. Asking “why” has mostly stirred up despair in me so I am learning to stop asking that question. Instead I ask:
What does this mean? (Acts 2:12) And, What must I do? (Acts 2:37)
My experience has been that every trial conceals an opportunity for maturity.
I have learned to love the Wilderness.
The discomfort, the testing, stretching, breaking down, the surrender…
The deepening of love, the heightening of knowledge about who God is…
His tenderness, faithfulness, strength, righteousness, beauty, compassion….
Leaving it all behind to put into practice what I have learned there is hard.
To experience Him like I did during those years has made me into a new woman.
Entering the Wilderness I was in an awful state.
But He designed my journey specifically to unveil His thoughts, desires, and intentions towards me.
I fell in love with His stunning beauty…
With His goodness and kindness and gentleness towards me.
It is probably no small wonder why I never wanted to leave.
“The LORD is my inheritance.”
I encourage you to value your Wilderness seasons with God.
They are a pretty big deal…
Because they determine where He can take you next.
