Earlier this year, while I was attending school in California – my little sister called me to announce she was engaged.
I was thrilled…for about 5 seconds.
Then overwhelming pain began bubbling up to choke me.
I was able to hold myself together for our short, excited conversation – but afterwards I collapsed to the floor in gasping, broken sobs…feeling absolutely shattered.
In truth, I was thrilled for my sister and for the man she’d found.
But the crippling pain that was clawing at my heart said I had some work to do.
It was already after sunset when I began walking towards the church alone, tears pouring down my face.
I had no words. Just hurt.
It had nothing to do with my sister and everything to do with me.
The Worship Room band was already in full swing when I arrived, and I knew I could find a darkened corner in the room to offer my injured heart up to God.
Every song seemed to speak directly to me…inducing fresh tears.
I was divorced in 2012. A course I would never wish on anyone.
It’s a crushing, horrific pain that no person was ever designed to endure – hardly the easier way out of a difficult relationship.
(I am not speaking from regret – only experience.)
Soon after the divorce was official, I made a promise to myself that I’d do my best to face any pain that came to the surface for the purpose of letting it go.
Experience has taught me that buried and ignored needs are toxic
And pain is the flag waving for help.
I didn’t know the name for this particular piece of agony I was in. I knew that it didn’t have any direct connection with my former marriage. That was dealt with and gone.
God was teaching me a new thing.
So I just laid on the floor sobbing into my hoodie for nearly an hour and a half, letting my heart rent all its pain before walking the 35 minutes back home in the dark…waiting for an answer.
Between that moment and the day my sister got married – I realized I was learning how to journey through grief…again…
And as before, surrender and grief go hand-in-hand.
It is getting easier to let go. I guess I AM learning! 🙂
Jesus DID say that: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.” (Luke 9:23)
He knew that I wanted to be fully present at my sister’s wedding, and I knew Him well enough to trust He’d show me how.
So I embraced my brokenness and followed Him through months of letting go.
I grieved the last bits of the life I had wanted.
I recognized that it hurt to see my sister build a life in the same town I had lost so much.
I released my dreams.
Admitted that I hated being single.
Questioned if I knew how to be in a relationship.
I surrendered everything I knew to surrender.
It was a beautiful time.
There was no bitterness or hate – this was purely about letting my heart grieve and speak.
And many wonderful, loving people gathered around me to help me walk through.
What did God do? He lovingly triggered memories that left me as a sobbing mess when I was supposed to be leading a Home Group meeting – allowing me space to grieve but to not be alone. He kindly led me to attend my first wedding (a friend’s) since the divorce – like a “practice run” before standing up at my sister’s wedding. More tears. And then there was the night before my sister’s ceremony when I went to pick up her flowers – coming face to face with the memory of where I had announced my marriage was over to a friend. Complete release.
I stood before God with my pain…
Letting my heart bleed out completely into His hands…
My eyes locked with His…
Knowing that He was my only hope.
I was undone.
I was broken.
My sister’s wedding was beautiful. A lovely and memorable day.
Months of God-led grieving, honesty, and surrender brought me to this perfect moment.
I was fully-present – standing with my sister as she said her vows, and sustained by God’s grace and kindness.
All the tears had been worth it.
It was a gift from the One who loves me more than I understand.
I felt like I was floating through the whole day.
A couple of days later my parrot died.
A little over a month later my grandfather died.
And to be completely honest, I didn’t even want to return home this summer because I struggle to see that I have a place there.
It has been a hard season…
But one that I am so thankful for.
I am a little more patient now.
I am a little more trusting. A little more loving. A little more free.
Why?
Because grieving is part of surrender…
And surrender led me to God:
On the floor of the Worship Room
In the midst of Home Group
On a beach in California
At a coffee shop with friends
While painting
On a rooftop in Morocco
In an airport in Vancouver
While walking to work
On my sister’s wedding day…
In my pain, brokenness, shame, loneliness, hurt, loss, and hopelessness –
He was right there with me…
Waiting…
Waiting for me to be ready to let go of those ugly things –
So He can give me more love, more joy, more peace, patience, kindness, faithfulness, and gentleness.
Truth be told – after my initial excitement for the World Race, part of me questioned God’s logic in leading me into another potentially “hard” season.
Living displaced and away from everything familiar BY CHOICE….
Is this wise?
I have gone through a lot over the past four years and I am tired.
But then I was reminded that God knows me better than I know myself.
History has taught me to trust Him even though I might not always understand Him.
And not always understanding Him has never restricted the kindness and love He’s shown me.
So I have no desire to put a limit on His plans…
Even if the path ahead looks really challenging.
I really just want to meet Him where He is.
And so:
Grief is a gift.
Surrender is a choice.
Relationships can be hard.
But it’s all in exchange for true freedom.
