Throughout this whole preparation process, my official line has been “I’m so excited for the World Race!” and that’s true. I am excited. But that doesn’t completely cover my spectrum of emotions. Yesterday, I was having a quick conversation with a friend between services at church. She was asking about my preparation and details about leaving and I threw out an “I’m so excited” and she nodded and smiled and pushed a bit. “Do you have any other feelings about it? Beneath the excitement, I mean? What else is going on?” It caught me a bit off-guard but in the best way possible. I felt like her question was authentic and genuinely seeking my true feelings.
I thought about it a lot today. I’m mostly excited but when I push past that, I’m also quite anxious and a decent bit scared. The World Race is not just a couple of weeks or even a couple of months…it’s a whole year. In turn, the World Race is not just a trip or a job but it is my real life. So, just like with my regular real life that I’m familiar with here, the World Race will have days that are bursting full in all the best ways. It will hold moments with teammates that are so precious that I won’t be able to stand it. It will have days of ministry that are encouraging and the kind to celebrate. But, like regular real life, it will have days where everything seems to take much more effort than it should. It will hold misunderstandings and words that come out too harshly. It will have days of ministry where nothing seems to go right or make a difference.
So yes, I am scared. I’m scared that I will bring all of my hangups and quirks with me to 11 different countries and into cramped spaces with 6 other individuals. I’m scared that I will hurt someone’s feelings and that I will get mine hurt. I’m equally scared that I will change in big ways and that I won’t change at all. Similarly, I’m scared that I will return home to a million changes or to none. I’m scared that I will miss people and I’m afraid that I won’t do a good job of conveying that. I’m nervous about the way that I’m going to spend my last month here. Am I setting myself up to make it count or am I retreating to long hours of work and too much Netflix?
I think all of this can be summed up by saying that I’m fearful of the unknown. But, if you’re honest with yourself, aren’t you a bit fearful of the unknown as well? This isn’t World Race specific, it’s a life thing. God has gifted us with lives that can be so full of beauty yet so full of pain and he’s set things up so that there are no real guarantees and nothing truly worthy of staking our lives on apart from Him. He is the one true source of everything good and valuable and certain. He is worthy of our praise. In Deuteronomy 31:8, he tells us that he himself goes before us and will be with us; he will never leave us nor forsake us. He commands us not to be discouraged or afraid.
It’s hard. Remembering that can be so difficult for me when I begin to list all the outside influences in my head. I move my focus from my creator and start to acknowledge the power of the wind and waves surrounding me. It makes me forget that the one who created me and is calling me to step out is sovereign over the storm. In Matthew Chapter 14, Jesus calls Peter out onto the water. Peter is able to walk above the waves and through the winds until he loses focus on Jesus and allows his fear of the wind to overcome him.
I am Peter. My problem is not a lack of faith but a lack of focus. The fears and misgivings are okay until they begin to overtake me and cause me to lose footing. Ultimately, nothing can separate us from the love of God and that is a trump card. Paul tells us in 2 Corinthians to “fix our eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary but what is unseen is eternal.” And the author of Hebrews takes it a step further to tell us to “fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith.” The very next verse tells us why Christ is worthy of our persevering gaze: “Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.”
He is worthy and worth it. The unknown will be there no matter what, but is your focus on Jesus or the unknown?
What causes you to lose focus on Jesus? What “unknown” are you currently facing?
