In my last blog, I shared a bit with you about my identity struggles. I’ve mulled over this next blog since training camp. I’ve gone back and forth about how much is appropriate to share and how to best capture the moment that I hope to share with you. As I post this, I’ve settled on sharing an excerpt from my journal with you. I wrote this on October 14th– the same day as the leadership conversation that I shared with you last time. It’s a bit lengthy but I believe that it’s worth sharing.
Please know that my heart’s desire is to be authentic with you. The story that I’m going to tell is just what I experienced; how I encountered God on that night. You may encounter God differently than I did and I completely empathize with any skepticism you may have. But I’m learning not to compare and I’m learning that my story has power, just like yours does. If nothing else, I hope that hearing my story allows you to expand your view of the power and presence of God. Without really realizing it, I’d put God and the worship of Him in a box and the Lord faithfully used training camp to bust that box apart!
10/14/2013
I believe in the power of the Holy Spirit.
Tonight, the teaching was on the sanctification and empowerment of the Holy Spirit. I have to admit that this is a subject that I felt incredibly ignorant about, skeptical of and even fearful of. But, after 2 days full of Biblical, genuine teaching, I trusted the man who spoke. After the teaching, he invited us to be baptized or refilled with the Holy Spirit. As he spoke, I felt sure that I’d encountered the presence of the Holy Spirit in the past but incredibly unsure about pinpointing a date and time and experience.
Though I was hesitant and fearful, I knew that I had to push myself to fully surrender and not let doubts or ignorance be a cop out or an excuse for a bad attitude. As we began to worship and pray together, I extended my hands as if anticipating a gift. As it continued, I felt a strange warmth and pressure on my insides from my head to my feet. I pushed in, though I was contemplating accepting this as my “encounter”– more of a gentle dove landing than a raging wind of fiery tongues. Just as I was going to call it enough, they prayed from the stage that someone needed to be freed from a Spirit of guilt and shame and began to call it out. As that was spoken, I felt like I couldn’t breathe; my chest was heavy and my throat felt blocked. From the stage, they continued to call out the spirit (just general, not necessarily of me) but one of the leaders came and placed her hand on my back and began to quietly pray over me and I started exhaling the words “Jesus, I am yours”. For several minutes, if I tried to exhale without those words, my breath would catch. I continued to breathe them and they began to sink in, allowing me to feel their full weight and I began to weep. Another staff member came to pray over me and began to speak truth over me: I am loved by God. I am His chosen daughter. I am worthy and there is no need for any guilt. I wept more and then there was this moment of freedom. Everything about me felt airless and light. My chest felt incredibly free and this feeling of insane joy began to settle in.
As worship continued, we sang Revelation Song and I was given a picture of dancing with Jesus and having Him embrace me and speak so tenderly to me. He told me how He adored me and loved me. That I was His beautiful chosen one. Then, the image transformed into a perfect wedding dance, being held by Jesus and adored by Him; cherished, even. The music changed into upbeat drums with no words and I wept with joy as I fully embraced the picture of my wedding to Jesus and the freedom that I felt.
Jesus, I adore you. Thank you for reminding of my heart’s true desire and I beg you to sustain it. I need more of you. I crave an existence completely in your presence. I come against the lies of Satan in Jesus’ name. I rebuke the enemy. He has no hold over me. My past has no reign here. Jesus is my Lord. I am His and He is mine and He is more than enough to sustain my every need.
So, I always knew that I have FOMO (fear of missing out) but now I have a new kind: FOMO of the Holy Spirit. I don’t want to miss the ways that the Spirit is moving. Even if it seems uncomfortable or abnormal. It is both of those things.
Earlier today, I was ready to call it quits, pack up my tent and hit the road. I couldn’t handle feeling like my baggage was present here and feeling like I was condemned for it. Now, I’m thankful that I pushed through those lies that were straight from the mouth of Satan. Without leaning into an uncomfortable few hours, I would have missed out on the joy and beauty and freedom of my encounter with the Spirit.
I must remember this next year when the hard, uncomfortable, prickly, run for the hills moments come. Stay. Remain. Push forth in surrender. Die to self and trust that Jesus works in beautiful, unimaginable ways and is second to none in the business of making beautiful things out of our dust. ”
“Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is– his good, pleasing, and perfect will.” Romans 12:2
(this is the song playing as I journaled this)
I know this blog was incredibly wordy and emotion-filled and if you’ve made it to this sentence, I hope that you’ve been encouraged. If you have any questions or doubts, I’d love to talk more with you about this. Just know that I’m not claiming to have answers, just personal experience.
How have you been trying to contain God? What lies have you been giving voice to in your own life? Do you REALLY believe in the power of the Holy Spirit?
