This process of fundraising has the ability and potential to crush and defeat me; to turn me into a tightly wound, ridiculously anxious and insecure human being. It feels like I’m pulling my guts out, putting them on a table and allowing people to stare and comment and touch and bid on them. Because honestly, that’s kind of what’s happening: I’m opening up my heart and hoping that people will understand and encourage my passion. And in all of my fretting, I’ve forgotten that it’s not at all about who I am, but completely about who God is and what He has done.
I’m so excited to be a part of the World Race and I’m so very frightened by the preparation. I’m scared because I’m terrible with money and I hate asking for help. Because for the next few months, I’m going to perpetually feel like I owe someone and like I need to prove myself– I have to be worthy of the gift. My call must be strong enough and clear enough and I have to have a responsible and clearly defined plan for what I’m going to do when 2014 ends. I’m only 9% funded and I already need to have a response planned for what I will do next. I have to make sure that there’s a plan for the way that God will move in my life.
My instinct is to feel defeated and defensive. My go-to coping strategy is people-pleasing and planning and I easily I forget the future that I’ve released into the hands of God. But I feel like I need eloquent words and detailed plans about how the next year is working toward some great, huge life plan that’s waiting just around the corner for me. But that’s just it… there’s not something just around the corner waiting until this season is over so that my life can start. Because this is my life.
My giant plan? To grow nearer to the heart of God every day of my life. To remember the lessons that God has so patiently walked with me through. To compel the people that I come in contact with to draw nearer to God as well. To allow the people that I love to not have it figured out and be given space for messiness. My plan? Whether it’s in Rwanda or Latvia or Romania or Clearwater is God’s glory. The World Race is just a piece of that. God compels us to surrender our idea that we have it all figured out. I don’t even want to act like I do.
I cannot be allowed to forget who I am in Christ in this process. I must use every thought and every feeling to draw near to the heart of God and cling on tightly. This risk is worth it. I cannot act like a scared, insecure little girl because this isn’t really about me anyway. And if I have to be self-sufficient, I might as well quit right now because it’s not going to happen. Satan is well aware of the best way to get to me: breed a little bit of insecurity and plant the seed of a lie that says I must be capable of doing this all on my own.
I know that in all things God’s glory is more worthy of pursuit than my own. I know that God has commanded that we care for the orphan and the widow. I know that I’m compelled to live out Isaiah 61: preach good news to the poor, bind up the brokenhearted, proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners. I am not enough to accomplish this. I am not meant to be. But Christ is. His grace is sufficient and His power is made perfect in my weakness. Greater is He that is in me than He that is in the world. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who dwells within me.
“Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.” John 15:4
