Perception is a funny thing. Think about it! The way you perceive someone is completely different than the person standing beside you or even how that person perceives himself. For the last five months, I have been living under the perception that my squad would judge me if I did something crazy or even acted the way they do during worship. (I guess that is because subconsciously I was judging them for worshipping in a way I have never had before.) For the last 25 years of my life, I have been living under the perception that my church family or people that I love and care deeply for, would judge me for acting silly, laughing, crying, acting as an adult, acting as a child, or clapping or raising my hands during worship. Really there is no way for me to win. I do not know how or where this perception and fear of judgment crept in, but it is something I have been suppressing my entire life.
Four days ago, I said good bye to some amazing Squad Leaders and people I have come to know as friends. As we, the squad, were moving into this new transition, I felt a change occur in my life and season. I was given a prophecy from Jeremy Harris, who is an alumni World Racer and knows really nothing about me. It said:
"Leadership. The Lord is leading you on a journey to teach you the true aspects of leadership. I don't know what type of role you play on your squad or team, but know that leadership is more than the roles we are given. The Lord wants to teach you the true aspects a great leader. Outside of all the leadership books that have been written, there was one great leader that set the tone for the rest of us to live. Jesus. His leadership was rooted in humility and servitude. Seek after those things, and the roles you are given will fade away and become second nature. When we look to be humble and serve in every facet of life, we become a better leader than we could ever be our self. I pray that the Holy Spirit gives you the ability to walk in humbleness and with a servant's heart in a way that you never thought possible, and through the journey that you realize that being a great leader is probably the exact opposite of what the world or even most of the Christian world has led us to believe."
I did not know it at the time, but I have even been suppressing my leadership and who God sees me as.
By God's grace, in a 24 hour period, I was back to my normal, joyful self. Over the last four days, I began to realize how much perception of judgment I had placed on myself from the squad and Squad Leaders. Monday I had a conversation with Christina, a wonderful friend, who began asking me questions about my church and worship. As I began to explain how my church operates in worship, I realized all the judgment that I perceived. I also began to realize that for the last 25 years I have been squashing the Holy Spirit in the fear that I would be rejected by man. She suggested that I try closing my eyes and then I cannot see anyone therefore, they cannot see me and I can worship the way I feel led to by the Holy Spirit.
Tonight was another sharp turning point for me. I took the advice from Christina and sat in a dark corner with my eyes closed as my squad worshipped together. Not only did I notice no one was "judging" me but I was able to actually listen and understand the words and truly praise God. During part of worship we were asked to stand up. I had a little rebellious part of me creep out and refused to stand. After a little while, I noticed one girl turn and look at me to see if I was still standing. She immediately sat down! This hit me hard! I never perceived myself to be a leader, especially to this girl, who I actually admire and follow her leadership. I realized with the Squad Leaders leaving, that we, as a squad, are the ones that now have to step up and allow God to use us to fill each other up. The old Squad Leaders can no longer do that. I need to step into that role as a leader, without titles, and be the person God created me to be, whether that is leading people through worship or just giving an encouraging word. Whatever it looks like, I need to allow God to use me and allow it to be exactly who I am as He created me to be, let it be second nature.
Tonight, several people on my squad and I went to release lanterns over a river in Chiang Mai. It was a fun and memorable event. But as I released mine, it was as if I was releasing all the past perceived judgments I had placed on myself. I feel this new season will be one of release.
