Dear Friend,
Someone asked me a bit about my journey of faith this past year and upon completing the message, I thought it might be time to share a bit more with you all what this past year has really been like.
It all began when I left my job March 14th of last year. Many things played into the decision, but I cannot say God told me to leave. About nine months prior to this, my boss's wife, who was also a good friend of mine, died to cancer. The death was sudden and a shock though. She was seemingly fine and I often forgot she had cancer because of the way she lived her life so fully. Nancy ended up in the hospital on a Thursday and the next Friday morning she was gone. It shook me pretty badly because that is the first time that someone I cared about so deeply died. She had just turned 38 years old the prior month and I was twenty-six. I hate to admit this, but anyone who knows me can vouch for this that I was not walking with the Lord at the time either. I was trying, but failing miserably. My faith was there, but my relationship with the Lord just was not.
I knew my career was not what I was called to do, but it was paying the bills and I knew how to do it. The best way I can describe what happened is that God allowed satan to take over the workplace. I think I saw him in the eyes of some of the employees at certain times. I was one of four managers. The entire crew and the other three managers tried everything in their power for over a year to get me fired. It was absolutely awful. I finally got to the point where I did not care if it was God’s will or not to endure; I was leaving. So, I did.
I made the decision one day and did not go back. I felt free after I made the decision, but I was ashamed I didn't have the strength to even give a two weeks’ notice. I think God knew that if I did give the notice, the two weeks would be long enough to be convinced to stay at the job. I loved my boss and I loved what I did, but God had to essentially turn me over to satan for the time because I was not listening to Him.
I questioned if I did the right thing over and over again, but I made the decision to not make a move until God spoke. I had spent far too many years not living for God fully and I needed to get right with Him. I prayed as best as I could for God’s will. I would weakly ask Him about getting a job, but I didn't ever want to go back to work again. It was that bad. It took at least four to six weeks before I could even sleep through the night without waking up to nightmares about work. I was emotionally spent.
Now, I don’t know about you, but when I’m not walking closely with the Lord, I can try all I want to pray and read my bible, but it is the biggest struggle. I found a multitude of ways to distract myself and my prayers were halfhearted because that’s all I could muster.
After about two months of being unemployed, I knew it was time to think about getting a job. I started praying about it more seriously, but my heart was just not ready. Almost daily, I would tell myself I would get up and look for a job, but in my heart I felt something holding me back. I felt as though God was not allowing me to go down that path. God spoke this to me during that time:
“The LORD is my shepherd; …He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul.” (Psalm 23:1-3)
It took me weeks to even think about accepting the fact that God was giving me rest. I had the savings because I nearly worked myself to death. I felt God heal my heart little by little during this time. I felt like He was healing so much brokenness. It was a sweet time and I started to seek Him more. I began praying more and reading my bible more. I was beginning to feel the Lord changing me.
Every time I thought about looking for a job, I felt a strong ‘no’ in my soul so I would wait. I kept asking God what I was supposed to do. He didn't speak much then and He still doesn’t speak much now. It has been just a couple of days short of 13 months and I still don’t have hours of conversation with the Lord, intense prayer times, nor am I as diligent in reading my bible as I would like to be. I have not been particularly productive or out in the community and it has been difficult because I have always been a hard worker. I have always worked for everything I wanted or needed and I had to force myself to obey God to the best of my abilities. I figured even if I was wrong, I would go broke, get a job and life would go on so I kept waiting on God’s direction.
God led me in various ways, testing me in obedience and changing my heart, but it wasn't until October, six and a half months later, that God led me to a book called Kingdom Journeys by Seth Barnes where He spoke to me about doing The World Race. At this point, I thought to myself, “Okay, I officially need a job to be able to afford this,” but God still said, “NO”.
A few weeks later, my mom fell and hurt herself pretty badly. She thought she broke her collar bone, but fortunately it was only badly bruised. She and my dad own a Laundromat, but my dad still has his full time job so mom runs the place mostly herself. It is very labor intensive and my mom was in so much pain she could not tie her shoes or put a cap on a sharpie. I know God kept me unemployed to be available to help my mom when she had no other option than to close the business. In addition, God gave me two whole months of quality time with my mom that I had never had before and maybe never will have again. It was such a blessing!
It took about two months for my mom to heal and by that time I was ready to go home. She lives about 2 to 2.5 hours north of me so I had to move in with my parents for those two months. When I returned home, I thought, “I have six months until the World Race. Now must be the time to get a job,” but God kept saying no. He kept speaking to me little things here and there. It was just enough to know that if I kept asking for a job, God would give it to me and as a result, the entire course of my life would change and I would not end up going on The World Race. I just knew in my heart this was true, so I stopped asking and sought the Lord more than ever.
My relationship with the Lord is back and growing and He is continually changing me. He doesn't speak daily, but I KNOW He is near. He is leading me and when it is time to move, He tells me.
This year has been a journey of faith. Each step I took, as unsure as I was, took quite a bit of time before God confirmed in my heart I was indeed following Him. I would have very small inclinations that God was speaking… I mean I was like 20% sure it was Him, but I still took the step and obeyed to the best of my abilities. Sometimes I think I was wrong, but I had to be wrong in order to know the difference in when the Spirit was leading than when I was incorrect. And you know what? God is big enough and loving enough and gracious enough to work out ALL THINGS for the good of those who love Him EVEN WHEN we get it wrong.
Friend, after a roller coaster of trying to follow God the past ten years or so, I am sure of this: if God has spoken and you ignore Him for too long, you will eventually stop hearing Him and convince yourself that He never spoke that one thing to you in the first place. That being said, I also know this: if you have truly given your life to the Lord, He will never let you go and do whatever it takes to get your attention and bring you back to Himself.
I felt foolish for this entire last year. It is so humbling to tell people about The World Race and the money I need to raise and then the fact that I am unemployed and nearly broke comes into the conversation. This has been the hardest year because I feel like it was so wrong and irresponsible and lazy. It has been such a blessing that has been so difficult for me to accept, but God is simply loving on me and my guess is, He wants to love on you too! I can’t even begin to tell you about all the other things God has done during this past year in my life, but I will say this. I am more sure than ever that I am following God now. He has changed my faith and taken me to a completely different place in my thoughts, convictions, love for Him and trust in Him.
It has only been during these past couple of weeks that something shifted within me. My faith that was primarily in my mind, that God really has been and still is leading me, moved into a deep assurance in my heart. I no longer have a single doubt that God has been leading me this past year, nor do I have a doubt that He will continue leading me. For the first time since applying for The World Race, I am absolutely certain that S Squad, which launches in July 2013, is exactly the route I am to be a part of and I am absolutely certain that God will provide for every need. I am so humbled by all He has done and is still doing.
Go with God and be Blessed!
Heather
