I have traveled before. I have been out of the country before for months at a time. I have spent two months in Mexico serving and ministering in prisons, slums and to the street 'kids'. I am somewhat familiar with this kind of thing. In some ways, I thought it would be easy. In other ways, I knew this World Race would be the most difficult thing I have ever done.
Day 34 was my breaking point. Six days into my second month and I reached the end of myself. I was tired. I had given all I had to give. I have been stretched to love when there was only hatred returned. I have been stretched to continue to pursue in love knowing I was going to face rejection over and over and over again. My team still does not know me or understand me. They want me to change. I want to change, but I want who I am to be enough. It isn't. My team wants more from me. I have been stretched to repeatedly push myself outside of my comfort zone. I have been stretched to converse in Spanish and to pray for people in Spanish. I have been stretched to try new things, like playing soccer for the first time since high school PE class and with Hondurans, who are phenomenal soccer players. I have been stretched to be vulnerable when I do not want to be vulnerable and to share when I do not want to share. I had nothing left. I have nothing left. My strength is gone and I can now, for the first time in my life, say with Paul:
"I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." -Galatians 2:20
My strength is no longer my own. Any strength I have is God's strength in me. My love is not my own. Any love I can show is God loving through me. My words are not my own, but Christ's words spoken through me. Whatever I have to give is only because God first gave it to me to give. I am exposed and vulnerable and terrified my heart will be trampled on. It probably will be, but I am going to give anyway. I am going to love anyway because I am here to serve. I am here to be used by God so I am becoming pliable clay in His hands. It hurts… a lot, but God's peace is guarding my heart.
"Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." -Psalm 73:25-26
By God's grace, may I begin to look more like Jesus. By God's grace may the people I meet and come to know see Jesus in me, in the way I love, through the words I speak, in everything.
