There are some things we do that we know aren’t really the best, but everyone else does the same things so it’s really kind of ok, right?
But then there’s that sin that you know you could never confess because who does THAT? How could you possibly do something like that? How are you so bad that you would even want to do that? What is wrong with you? No, that is the sin that you sweep under the rug and pretend never happened. If you pretend it’s not there, it will certainly go away with time, won’t it?
Not so much.
As part of this application process to go on the World Race, we are required to respond to questions of current struggles and past ones. Seemingly big things and seemingly small things. How we determine what is big and small in our minds is beyond me, but we do it. It’s easy to be honest about the little things. Sure, I stole a pack of gum when I was about 6 years old. Yes, I have experimented with drugs. I have had my nights of drinking too much and making poor decisions. It wasn’t so difficult to confess to these things.
But there’s always that one thing… or two, that you could never tell anyone. What would happen if this secret got out?! How could anyone look me in the eye and love me if they found out? How could they ever look at me the same again? I certainly would not be accepted to do this kind of mission trip if they knew what I really did or who I really was.
So I lied.
Lies.
Lies.
Lies.
These are all lies from the enemy that tell us to keep our sin and shame a secret so he can keep us in our little prisons.
But in Ephesians 5:13-14 we are told:
But when anything is exposed by the light, it becomes visible, for anything that becomes visible is light. Therefore it says, “Awake, O sleeper, and arise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you.”
Christ will shine on you.
He will make what was once darkness, light.
He will forgive. He will cleanse.
We had barely begun the race. It was my first month on the field and God spoke to me about dealing with my hidden sin. I thought He wanted to teach me about spiritual warfare, but when the conversation I was trying to have kept getting postponed by the Lord, he showed me the real reason.
No. NO. I will NEVER tell anyone THAT. I can’t. I don’t want to be viewed differently. No. Please don’t make me do this.
But, the conversation happened and the sin was confessed… in part.
Not much came of that conversation other than that I needed to share this with my team. Somehow, I already knew this was my next step in exposing the darkness.
For James 5:16 tells us:
Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.
So, the first week of month two, I confessed this sin before my team at the time… and nothing. They didn’t know what to do with it. I didn’t know what to do with it. My attempt at obedience to the Lord seemingly fell to the ground and was lost.
It hurt. I felt even more ashamed. I thought I finally exposed this darkness, but I was not free. However, I did everything I thought I was supposed to do.
And life went on.
The race got harder.
Teams changed. Twice. Each time with its new challenges.
Months had gone by.
Then my team changed a third time and I was given a team that seemed too good to be true. THIS is what I thought it would be like on the World Race. But, would this team be too easy?
No, this was the safe place the Lord brought me to in order to deal with the deep stuff.
Not a week in, a teammate made a comment that revealed a glimpse of her story. Did I hear her correctly? This couldn’t be true, could it? In that moment I knew I needed to have a conversation with her to find out. The Lord was telling me this was the time to deal with this hidden sin.
I thought I had dealt with this. I thought it was over and done with, but the Lord seemed to think otherwise.
The conversation didn’t happen until the end of the month, which happened to be the first day of our debrief in Vietnam last month. This also happened to be a day I chose to fast asking the Lord to have His way in me and with me. And He did.
For the first time, I felt the weight of my sin. I began to grieve what had been done to me and what I eventually chose willingly. I felt the shame more than ever. It felt as though the Lord saw me for the first time in light of this sin. I know that is silly because the Lord sees all and knows all, but I was facing this for the first time. Even in this, I felt the grip this secret had on me loosen ever so slightly. I knew I was finally walking towards freedom.
Because I had only confessed to one person, I was challenged to confess to at least one other person in order to make it even more real. It’s so easy to continue to be deceived that the secret has not truly been exposed and brought to the light because it is safe with that one person.
I immediately knew who I needed to talk to and we agreed to meet the last morning of debrief.
In the meantime, I had coffee one morning in between with the same friend I spoke to in the first month of the race. She revealed to me that the Lord had told her all month as she prayed for me that He wants to deal with this sin of mine now. Well, isn’t that convenient? I couldn’t get out of this. Thankfully, the Lord was persistent in pursuing me in order to set me free.
The last morning of debrief came as did the dreaded conversation. Upon having that conversation, I could see the incredible intentionality of the Lord. The Lord had revealed this particular sin of mine to this person before we ever met at Training Camp last May. And she loved me anyway! She was not disgusted by me, but chose to love me. By revealing this to her, the Lord had prepared her for this exact conversation. So, I confessed and she prayed for me and spoke truth over me.
At one point while praying, the following song began playing through my mind:
“What can wash away my sin?
Nothing but the blood of Jesus
What can make me whole again?
Nothing but the blood of Jesus
Oh, precious is the flow
That makes me white as snow
No other fount I know
Nothing but the blood of Jesus”
I knew I needed to sing it out, but I wasn’t about to do that. I do not sing and I certainly do not sing in front of people.
Then my friend asked if I had any words that had come to mind to speak out. I told her all I had was this song and a moment later she began singing it over me. Well, that was my cue and I knew I needed to join in.
It was during that song as we sang together that the Lord healed me. He cleansed me in that moment and took my shame. I was free. I was free! This weight I had been carrying for so long was gone and I was free!
So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.
[John 8:36]
The Lord longs for us to bring into light the darkness of our lives so He can set us free.
That unspeakable sin? Yes. That too. ESPECIALLY that too.
The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
because the Lord has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,
to proclaim the year of the Lord ’s favor
…
to comfort all who mourn,
and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the Lord
for the display of his splendor.
[Isaiah 61:1-3]
