Someone recently told me that the spiritual world is far more real than the chair you are sitting on.
How many of us know this?
But do we really know this?
"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm." -Ephesians 6:10-13 ESV
Last week was by far my most difficult week on the race to date. I had reached the end of myself. I had reached the point where I had nothing left to give and I needed Jesus to come through, but He didn't. He didn't come through and He hasn't come through yet, or at least not in a way I can see or understand. I felt defeated. I was discouraged, thinking that maybe I never could change.
Maybe I never really will be better than this.
Maybe God really won't change me.
Maybe He really won't use me for His glory.
Maybe I'm just going to be overlooked and this is the best there is.
I want to know God, to really know Him and walk with Him, but maybe that is just not something I will get to do. I became so frustrated and discouraged that my prayers started to look a little like this:
"God, if I can't know You, if You won't change me so You can use me, then what is the point? If there isn't any better than this, then I don't want it; just take me now."
No, I wasn't suicidal, but I do NOT want a mediocre life. I do not want a life void of knowing the Lord. What is the point?
"The Son is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. For in him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things have been created through him and FOR him. He is before all things, and in him all things hold together." – Colossians 1:15-17 NIV
I knew The World Race would be a challenge, maybe the greatest challenge of my life, but I did not anticipate this. God knows the only way to set me free and heal me and bring me to a place where He can use me and the road is painful. I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel and satan seems to be having fun with encouraging the discouraging thoughts that were constantly running through my mind.
Monday morning my team prayed for me. They asked God to protect my thoughts and block anything negative that is not of Him from entering my mind. I was upset with God that He hadn't come through as I wanted and didn't really care that my team prayed for me. I appreciated the efforts on their part, but I was angry with God. I just wanted to give up, but God heard their requests and answered them anyway. He protected my mind. He blocked the thoughts satan was filling my head with.
Immediately there was a peace and a calm and a joy that came over me. It was subtle. I wasn't filled with good thoughts, but the bad ones were completely gone. The thoughts that I could not open up to my team were gone. The thoughts that I should go home from the race were gone. The thoughts that things will never be better than this, gone. I still don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I still do not know how things will be better than this, but I have a glimpse of hope that it is still possible. God isn't finished yet. It ain't over 'til it's over… and it ain't over, so I will hold onto the small amount of hope I can grasp and keep taking one day at a time.
I am now on day 5 of zero negative, tormenting thoughts! The struggle was greater than I could see. The struggle is not over, but God came through simply by protecting my mind from the enemy's lies. This struggle is not against flesh and blood, but it is a spiritual battle where satan is doing everything he possibly can think of to destroy me in the midst of all the good God is doing in my life. Maybe the fight should be fought a little differently and my prayers should look a little different knowing there is more going on than the eye can see.
