So, the past week to about 10 days specifically has been somewhat tough. I've been discouraged and feeling pretty useless which has let some subtle depression sneak in.
I haven't particularly heard from God recently. It has been a struggle to find motivation to pray or read the bible or do anything for that matter.
The thing is, I KNOW God is near and not just because the bible tells me so. I feel it. I can almost constantly sense God right here with me, but He tends to be silent towards me… a lot. This really gets on my nerves because I don't like to be ignored and that is what it feels like is happening.
I don't really understand God at all. I mean sometimes I get a glimpse of His majesty, but the more the Lord moves in my life and the more real He becomes to me, the less I understand. I heard a sermon once in which the speaker said this, "You always know what God is going to be like, but you never know what He's going to do next." This statement has proven true time and again over the years and yesterday was no exception.
The best way to describe what was going on in my heart the past couple of days is to compare it to a fussy baby. I just couldn't quite pinpoint what was wrong and everything agitated me; I just wanted to cry. I couldn't focus enough to read my bible, but I tried… checking facebook in between each chapter I read. How productive! Then I tried to pray… while looking through facebook! I told God at this time that I knew He wasn't in my phone (my means of using facebook) but that I couldn't focus enough to do anything else.
I don't particularly remember what I started talking to God about, but I sensed a response. A response! I was almost excited until I realized that God wasn't joking and He was asking me to do something. He was asking me to give of myself more than I was willing to give and I said no way! No way! That just isn't going to work! Ok, yes, I could in fact do what God asked, but it was going to cost me. I could do what God asked of me, but the implications of obedience were utter dependence on God and trust that He is good and that He does in fact look to my best interests.
Needless to say, I was scared out of my mind. This isn't what I expected when I was desperate for a response from God. The tears poured like rain and my heart was in anguish. I threw my phone out of anger, hurt and fear, for what the Lord asked of me. My phone then hit my leg, instead of the wall, which hurt and just made me mad. Now, I am thankful that my phone was not hurled into the wall and shattered to bits, but the bruise remains.
After a moment, I knew what I had to do. You see, I have learned by now that God only asks things of us because He has a good reason so I decided to obey. I immediately got up and did what I knew I had to do, my childish fit now over, and immediately my heart was flooded with all sorts of peace, joy, rest, freedom and inexplicable happiness.
The implications of the obedience are still there. I still have to cling to God as if my life depends on it because, well, it does. I still have to trust that God is good and that He will not abandon me. I still have to trust that God has my best interests at heart and that He works all things together for the good of those who love Him. (Romans 8:28)
But deep in my soul, I already know. God is good… always.
Because of this, I will continue to do my best to obey whenever the Lord speaks, no matter how much it costs me, no matter how much it hurts, because in the end I know it will set me free.
"Blessed are those who keep his testimonies, who seek him with their whole heart…
I will run in the way of your commandments (for you set my heart free)!"
Psalms 119:2, 32 ESV
