After the Lord showed me that I am to share freely and give freely to anyone and commanded me to trust Him, that commanded trust was immediately put to the test. I knew the Lord wanted me to trust Him. I know He can be trusted, but I still feared so much I did not trust Him.
The Lord, then, allowed my circumstances to put me in a position where I could choose to trust Him or not.
Our days were always a surprise this month due to the greatest language barriers I have experienced to date. Then our hosts began asking us to do things that cost money, but it was uncertain if our team budget would cover the costs.
Coming onto the race, I did not bring any spending money. Not a penny. I did not have any other option, but I also felt the Lord wanting me to trust Him in this way as well. I did not want to be a burden to any of my teammates and this has been such a difficult, often awkward and always humbling journey thus far.
The Lord provided for my needs sometimes and sometimes He went above and beyond to just love on me and provide for my enjoyment as well. His provision and lack of provision, however, in no means reflects an inconsistency on His part; it reflects the brokenness and inconsistency in my character that the Lord wanted to heal.
Seven months into this race I have gone without and I have had plenty, but I still feared the Lord did not care for me enough to care for my most basic needs.
This was a month I was given a food budget to manage as I willed. That is all the money I had access to. And then our hosts took us to a museum type place that cost money. Okay, it wasn’t that much so if I had to pay that back out of my food budget, I would be fine. But, there was that selfish part of me that still felt ripped off. Why did I have to sacrifice out of my food budget to cover something that was mandatory that I didn’t particularly even want to do anyway while everyone else could enjoy the fullness of their budget?
Then we had a day of seeking out people to talk to. My teammate and I came across a homeless woman and I felt the Lord challenge me to buy her a meal. I mentioned it to my teammate and we went to get her food praying that she would be where we left her when we returned. She didn’t know English and we did not speak Vietnamese.
My teammate and I were not thinking clearly and spent probably twice as much as we needed to for what we purchased, though it was still less than $2 to put it into perspective. As fearful as I was of the possibility of having to go without, the Lord continued to speak to my heart, “Trust Me.” So, I didn’t say a word of my fears to anyone and did my best to trust the Lord would work everything out.
The woman was right where we left her and we gave her the food… that she did not want to eat. For whatever reason, the woman would not give us the satisfaction of eating in front of us so we could be affirmed we did a good thing, yet the Lord gave me a peace as if to say that I did what He had asked and that was enough. It was not my responsibilty for her to appreciate the gesture or even to steward it well, but it was my responsibility to obey the Lord and give.
Then, our team took our host family bowling for their first time. This would use up the rest of my food budget for sure, but at that point I knew I had to trust the Lord. If I ran out of money, I would just fast. Jesus fasted 40 days and He was fine. All I had to do was make it less than 2 weeks until debrief when we received a new food budget. I could do that, right? However, I was still panicking inside. We still had decided to prepare our host family a meal that had not been accounted for.
This is when the Lord showed up, just on time. Every cost was covered by the team budget. I did not run out and have to go without. In fact, I was left with an excess in which I could enjoy during our debrief at the end of the month. In addition, I was able to go for coffee and enjoy quality time with two of my teammates at separate times who surprised me by covering my coffee. There is not much I enjoy more than a good conversation over coffee. I was so blessed by this completely unexpected gesture.
The Lord then spoke to my heart, “See. I love you. I care for you and will care for your needs. Trust Me.”
And for the first time in my life, my heart believed Him and chose to trust.
I now understand that when I worry about how I am going to pay for the things I need or fear I will not be able to afford things I want or enjoy, when I am too afraid to give or share what I do have, when the numbers don’t match up and reason tells me I do not have so I cannot give, I am alowing money to control me.
But when I give beyond reason and share with the risk of having to go without as an expression of love because God is love and I am His daughter, the Lord is given the opportunity to provide and bless me far beyond what I could have ever asked for or imagined. AND somehow He always seems to work out that little problem of the numbers not matching up.
Oh the freedom in trusting the Lord!
“No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.” [Matthew 6:24]
