When we received our first team changes after three whole months on the Race, we spent some time one day during one of our first team times to write a list of all the hurts we carried into our second team from that first team. I had a ton of hurts and lies that I was believing as truth. I could barely share them through tears with this new team because the pain was so deep and more than I had realized until that moment in time. It was these lies and this pain that caused me to ponder giving up countless times and leaving the Race early.
I have since gotten rid of that list, but it included things such as:
- I do not belong. No one wants me here.
- What I have to say doesn’t matter because no one thinks what I have to say is worth listening to.
- I don’t love well. No one will ever know how much I actually care.
- I am not lovable.
- I can’t do anything right. There is something wrong with me.
- I am not worth pressing into to get to really know.
- It’s not ok to not be ok.
- Forgiveness isn’t real.
- Christians really don’t love each other.
The other day, the Lord took me through a process of reading that list and then searching my heart to discover how He has healed that brokennes. I was able to go down the list and write the truth the Lord spoke to me about each lie… and to really believe it!
Here is what I was able to write:
- I belong. The Lord has called me and made a way, providing all I need every step of the way. I belong here on the World Race, on this squad, and on this team.
- My words matter. The Lord has given me a voice of truth and love to speak out.
- I love because the Lord first loved me. He lavishes His love on me so I can love with His love, not my own. Through my love that the Lord has given me, people will know His love and walls will fall down so the love can come in.
- I am valued. The Lord made me perfectly and He will never give up. He WILL complete the good work He began in me with or without the cooperation of others.
- I am so loveable. The Lord made me out of an overflow of His love, just as He wanted me to be.
- When I walk in obedience, everything I do is right. And EVEN IF it’s not and EVEN IF I fall, the Lord will make me stand. There is nothing wrong with me.
- I am worth knowing because the Lord is in me and it is in Him alone I live and move and have my being.
- It’s ok to not be ok. The Lord will carry me.
- Forgiveness is real.
- Christians operate in love, true love that reflects the Lord’s heart.
I am beginning to see that the healing I thought the Lord was only beginning during debrief this month is real and permanent. My heart is changing and I am beginning to be able to agree with the Lord in how He sees me. When He showers His love on me, I can feel it and accept it for what it is. My heart is so humbled and full of the Lord’s gracious love.
“The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.”
Isaiah 61:1-3
