Less than four weeks away from launch, and the question of the hour is the same as it was four months ago when the school year was ending, and my job was no longer my job. It’s the same as it was one month ago when I moved, and my apartment was no longer my apartment. My bedroom, complete with sunset gold accent wall, was no longer my room. At that time and today one question remains: “So…how are you feeling?!”
That makes sense, right? It’s an unconventional thing that I’m diving into, and people want to know how I feel about it…how I’m handling it…if I’m excited. I don’t know if I’ve given a straight answer to one single person. That’s because I’ve been trying to figure it out myself. To the point where I’ve found myself driving alone in the car asking, “So how are you feeling? People want to know, so you should at least have an idea yourself.”
So. How am I feeling? There is definitely a mix of emotions, and it also depends on the day. But here’s what I came up with in the car last week.
One month away from launch, and I think I’ve either just made the dumbest or smartest decision of my entire life. How do I know that? Because I’m scared out of my mind. And I know I would not feel such strong emotions if this were a small decision. Sometimes in life you just make a choice and go with it. College was kind of like that for me. Going to Georgia just made sense, so I didn’t question it too much. Moving to Nicaragua felt like a much bigger decision, but it was easy once I realized how clearly God was calling me to go.
Other choices aren’t as black-and-white. Sometimes we take steps without fully understanding where we are headed or why. Maybe that’s why there’s so much fear involved in this decision. I sense God’s hand in it, but at the same time, there is such little guarantee of anything substantial to hold onto. It’s the sense that I have absolutely zero control that makes me feel the most afraid, and yet it’s that very reality that’s allowing me to see God work in mind-blowing ways. (Seriously, the craziest ways of providing that I’ve ever seen.)
It’s like riding a roller coaster (or in a 12 passenger van in another country) without being strapped in and wondering if there’s any possible way you’re going to make it to the end. On a ride like that there is literally nothing else you can trust in besides an invisible centrifugal force to keep you from flying out. People keep asking me if I’m excited to leave, and I definitely am. But the other dominating feeling is the sense that nothing is strapping me in. There are moments when it’s exhilarating, but it’s also completely terrifying.
I’ve spent a lot of time focusing on the things I need (or think I need) for the race. It’s tempting to look at those things as a sense of security like a harness on a roller coaster. But those things…the money I’m raising, the gear I’m basically stockpiling…are exactly that: things. They aren’t the invisible Power that is actually holding me together right now.
Last summer I went to Hawaii. (Save your skymiles, get a part-time job…whatever you have to do. Just go). One of the fun (i.e. crazy/exhilirating/freeing) things I got to do there was cliff jump into the ocean. Not a big deal for some people who do that kind of thing all the time, but for me it took slightly more… gumption? than I was planning on. I almost spent too much time thinking about it (riptides and rocks and sharks oh my)! I knew if I didn’t just go for it, it wasn’t gonna happen. So I decided to yell “Jesus I love you!!!” and jump. And that’s exactly what happened. Just jumped right in.
These days of transition and preparation in Georgia are winding down, and I feel the anticipation starting to rise up…in a good way. I can’t imagine what a wild ride this is going to be, but I know when October 1st rolls around I’ll probably just yell “Jesus I love you” and go for it. So I guess that pretty much sums it up. How am I feeling? Like I’m jumping off a cliff or riding a roller coaster with no straps, but I’m strangely okay with it. God is proving over and over that he has me in this and that with him I’ll land where I’m supposed to.
Let’s do this – Jesus I love you!!!!!
