Today my Facebook news feed is flooded with pictures of graduations. This time last year I was wearing that cap and gown, graduating with my Master’s degree. I remember my family and friends all said they were so proud of me, and I received dozens of cards, congratulations, accolades and attention for my achievements: the whole day was a celebration of me.
To be honest, however, I did not feel like I deserved any of the honors that were given to me that day. I was finishing a degree that I only set out to get because I did not know what else to do after getting my Bachelor’s. And working full time plus being a grad assistant while earning one’s Master’s degree is no easy task!
At the end of it, I was exhausted.
By my final year in grad school, I had more or less checked out at church. I got burnt out driving 30 miles each way every service, trying to serve in every possible way, and I ended up not really serving at all. I needed a break, so I took one. I wanted to leave and find a church was closer to where I lived.
Meanwhile, my seminary education was building up my intellectual knowledge of scripture and ministry. But those ideals hardly ever aligned with the reality I was facing in church each week, and I became bitter. What was the point of learning proper hermeneutics if the only result was me sitting in a pew analyzing every word of every sermon so much that it was not speaking to my heart?
I couldn’t wait to finish seminary. Walking at graduation was like limping across the finish line of some big race I wished I had not started. Once classes were over, I withdrew from my Christian walk. I had already stopped serving at church, and now I started to drop my attendance too. I did not read my Bible or pray, and I avoided conversations with fellow believers because I did not want to deal with my unfaithfulness.
I got angry at God for how my life was turning out. Seminary was suppose to encourage and equip me to serve him, not make me bitter about church life and struggle against my intellect week after week. I was supposed to be married by now and be serving God as a wife, not supporting myself through school and having to make every decision in life all by myself.
I started to pour myself into my job and my pursuit of dance. After all, hadn’t seminary taught me that where you are and what you do is not as important as that you glorify God in doing it? So I could stay and “serve God” here: Enjoy my life, get a raise every year, go to dance competitions, and do what I want.
But God was not going to let me find satisfaction in, or love something more than him. At the turn of the year, I stared attending a new church and every week the sermons slowly softened my heart. God reminded me of his love for me. I could never earn or deserve his love: He pursued me and adopted me into his family, and he is now my father. These are truths I could spout off to you in proper exegetical format, but I was starting to understand them for myself in a renewed light.
Slowly, my grip on life in Springfield started to loosen, and there was one night where I finally “let go” of it all. I cried out to God that night and said, “God, I’ll do whatever you want, but you have to tell me what it is!”
The next day I remembered the World Race. I had wanted to go on the Race for several years but was always too afraid to, and had good excuses as to why it was not a good time yet. I told my friend Lori about it, and she dropped what she was doing, looked me in the eye and said, “Heather. Why are you not already doing this?! You need to stop and apply for this right now.”
She was right.
I applied, and I was honest about how rocky my relationship with God had been, and I figured if God wanted me to go, I would be accepted. And I was!
It has been a year now since I graduated from seminary, and it is only by God’s grace that I did not forsake him entirely. He came for me, and reminded me of just how much he loves me. And I don’t think he is allowing me to go on the World Race because of anything I can do for him or for anyone else. I think he plans to continue to build a relationship with me. He wants me to trust him, and to love him more than I trust or love anything or anyone in this world.
And if that is true, then I am all in.
