Before we left for the Race, if you asked me to tell you about myself, I would say that I follow Christ. I love words. I love West Coast Swing. I like working independently and problem solving. I like my sense of style. I love going for walks, especially at night. I like to surprise my friends with little gifts. I like knowing my role in a given situation and what is expected of me so I can measure my success.
But this month has removed me from, or removed from me, so many of these aspects that I consider to make up who I am.
I haven’t had clear expectations laid out for me. Each day has somewhat of a routine, but we have felt a lack of direction, and that’s been hard.
I can’t go to the store on my way home from work at night to pick up chocolate for my friends, or go back after hours to leave flowers on a coworker’s desk. I’m not allowed to go outside, and the times we do get out, it’s always as a group and always with supervision.
I can’t go for walks, especially not at night, because we are in a dangerous part of town.
I expected to be living out of my tent most of the time, so I packed lightweight clothes that I won’t be heartbroken over losing if they get ruined. This was a mistake. Not only do they dress really well here, but I don’t really like a lot of the clothes that I did bring, even the nicer ones. I wish I could go back and pack different clothes, but here I am.
I get to be team treasurer, which I enjoy, so I do get some problem solving in from time to time, but I miss being challenged on a daily basis by my job.
I miss dancing West Coast Swing, so much. People tell me to just go dance by myself when there’s music, but solo dancing isn’t nearly as fun. Knowing how to West Coast when no one else does is like knowing how to speak a beautiful language that nobody else understands.
There are a few people here who speak English, but on the whole, I can only communicate simple words and phrases in Spanish. Even with translation apps, I still feel severely limited. Being at church is especially difficult because I have no idea what is being said, ever. I can pick out a few things here and there, but it’s impossible to fully participate. We have chances to speak truth to kids on the street every day, and there have been other opportunities to just sit and talk with people, pray with them perhaps, but I can’t communicate to them without a translator. It’s inefficient. Good communication is highly important to me, and not to be able to fully engage is really hard.
All of these aspects of my life and personality are either severely limited or missing altogether this month, and it’s been difficult. I’m faced with the question of who am I when all of the things I enjoy and hold dear about my life are no longer available to me?
The one thing I am left with, is that I am a follower of Christ. That’s the only piece of my identity that cannot be changed by circumstances.
I know this is true. I didn’t need this month to show me that.
But what I did need, was to realize how much of my identity I am finding in the other aspects of my life. I am free to enjoy and live out the gifts and talents God has given me, but they shouldn’t be my ultimate source of fulfillment and satisfaction. So this month I have to evaluate my heart: How much of my identity am I really finding in Christ, and how much am I finding it in other areas of my life?
This has become a focus of growth for me. Every day I am working through this feeling of displacement, and renewing my thoughts towards my circumstances.
I may not always know what is expected of me, but I can still work hard as unto the Lord.
I may not be able to stop by Walmart to get little gifts for my team, but I can still love and serve them in other ways.
I may not be able to go for walks, but I can still walk.
I may not have my whole wardrobe here with me, but I can still respond godly to my daily circumstances.
I may not get to feel the satisfaction of working out a challenging task on my own, but I can still humbly work alongside others at whatever task I am given.
I may not get to dance West Coast Swing, but I can still be thankful for the wonderful friends and great joy that it has brought into my life.
I may not get to communicate as efficiently as I want, but I can still pray for people.
I may not feel like I get to fully express myself and my personality, but I can still glorify God in everything I do.
2 Peter 1:3 says that in Christ, I have everything I need for life and godliness. So as I finish my time in Peru, and probably for the rest of this year, I am working to live in light of that truth, to truly find my identity in Christ.
