This might be uncomfortable for you to read…and I’m ok with that because it was uncomfortable for me to write =) but here’s where I’m at right now…
Let me paint the picture for you of my morning… 3 twin size mattresses on the floor squished together, me laying on the middle bed crying, my team curled up around me, worship music playing, my team speaking truth about life…about me…things I know, but at the moment seemed hard to comprehend.
I feel like a war was waged and the devil started the attack from within my own home so that I was unaware that a battle was beginning. Sneak attacks suck…but no matter the tactic he won’t succeed.
Last month was hard for me, personally. I was working through more of who I am and who I want to be, and mainly what that means for after the race. God began showing me new things (I’ll explain it all in the right time, but that time isn’t now) and giving me new dreams for what I want my life to be. I want to live out my faith the same in the states as I do “on the field”. I want to live out what I believe and not need to use words for others to know where I stand.
However, as God has begun defining these things lately Satan has started a whole new battle to prevent them from coming to fruition. I’ve never really dealt with fear before, sure I hate mice and I’m not a fan of snakes either, but I’ve never really felt fear before. When I went to Uganda in 2008 I never once questioned going and living in another country for 2 months with people I had never met. It never crossed my mind that they might not pick me up at the airport or that something could go wrong. I knew that God had called me there and I went with complete faith that He would take care of me. But as the race draws closer to the end a fear set in about going back to the states, about living out who I am now and living out all of the changes that have taken place in the past year. What does that even look like to live this life out back in the states?? I didn’t know what to do about said fear, so it stayed. I shared my concerns with a few others and have had great encouragement from them, but for some reason it just hit me all over again yesterday. I just wanted to cry, and I felt like a 5 year old who knows no other way to deal with fear than to cry about it. Then things were said that made me begin questioning if I’ve really changed over the past year. I know that I have, but once you let fear in anything becomes fair game. So in my head it went from a small fear of going back to the states to a drawn out “Oh crap, have I really not changed? I think I have, but if others here can’t see that difference then maybe I haven’t, and if I really haven’t changed as much as I think I have, then how the hell am I supposed to figure out this life back in the states?” Yea, it spiraled. This ended with me grabbing one of my friends and just crying and explaining this thought process…I needed someone to be reminded that the small part in side of me that was saying that this fear is ridiculous is true…it’s ridiculous.
I know that God’s got this. I know that He will take care of everything and that I’m going to be just fine. I know that He will continue to grow me and use me for His glory. But sometimes, you just need your sisters to surround you and remind you that Satan is full of it and will try anything. Sometimes I just need to know that I have people fighting this battle with me, even when I don’t know what to do. Sometimes it’s ok to just curl up in bed and cry and let your teammates surround you. It’s life. We’re not meant to walk it alone…
