It’s 1 in the morning and I’m sitting in my tent in Ireland trying to find the words to share my testimony. It’s urgent, I don’t know why, but I know that God told me it’s urgent…so I’m choosing to be obedient and share the time of my life that I have often wished I could forget.
My testimony is the perfect example of God’s love and His grace. My past is dark, and painful, but through it God is glorified!!! As I’ve shared before, through my weaknesses He is made strong and that is why I’m willing to share…satan has kept me in fear and shame for far too long…
For my family and close friends that don’t already know, I apologize that you’re finding out my story this way…but it’s urgent for someone to hear and to hear NOW.
I grew up in church, I loved God, I gave my life to Him at a young age, and I truly felt His presence in my life. Then I started growing up and seeing hypocrisy in the church. I didn’t want to be a part of something where I couldn’t see God and I wasn’t strong enough in my own faith to realize that it was just the people being hypocrites. My freshman year of high school I slowly stopped going to church.
Sophomore year a new high school was built and I was zoned for the new school. I tried protesting, but my attempts failed and that fall I left my best friends at my old high school and began again. Looking back, going to the new high school was one of the best things to happen to me, but of course I didn’t see that then.
I was struggling with depression, but was too proud to admit that I needed help, and things got worse. I believed all of the lies that satan threw at me…he told me that I was worthless, that I wasn’t good for anything, that I was a hindrance to the friends and family I had, he made me believe that I wasn’t worthy to be loved…and I bought in. I believed all of those things and more. I laughed when people talked about God because I couldn’t see God in my life. I wanted to know where this God was…and if He was there, why was I so miserable?
When I was 16 I attempted suicide, seeing those words on the page staring back at me is rough, but the truth is I took around 40 extra strength Tylenol and I went to bed…I remember right before falling asleep being slightly afraid. I asked if there was a God listening to keep me safe, but I didn’t believe that He would. Here’s the thing though, not only did I wake up the next morning, but I played in a soccer game and had NO side effects. Incase you’re wondering, that’s a little ridiculous!! Sadly, I was so wrapped up in my own sorrow that I never thought twice about God, I woke up and was actually a kind of upset that I had failed at something else. 4 days later, one of my good friends died in a car wreck…God and I had it out again. My friend that passed away was a great Christian guy. He was living his life for God and telling others about Him. I just didn’t understand why God would take him, when I was the one trying to go.
From there I continued to spiral downward. I was in toxic relationships because the enemy told me that’s all that I was good for and I believed him. Over the course of the next year I started taking over the counter pills, figuring if 40 didn’t do anything then surely 10 wouldn’t either. I went from restricting my eating to becoming anorexic, and I began cutting.
Through all of these things, I just wanted to feel SOMETHING…anything!! I just wanted to know that I really was alive. I took each thing to the extreme, simply because I could. I didn’t feel like I had control over my life, and really I didn’t, because I was buying into everything satan told me and he was running the show. I could control what I ate and I could control cutting myself, so I did. When my parents found out about all of this I immediately went to see our family doctor who ran every test on my blood to see just how much damage I had done…there was nothing…everything came back showing that my body was at 100%!
I tell you all of this not for a reaction or sympathy, God has healed and redeemed these things in my life already and I know that He will continue to do so. I tell you all of this, because God has taken me from the pits of hell on earth to a life full of JOY in serving Him.
By the time graduation came about, I was searching for more. I remembered in my heart that joy that I once had and the God that I once knew and I wanted to find that again. I chose a college 2 hours away from home where I only knew a few people that were going there. I knew that if I stayed with the same people from high school I would continue with the partying and miserable lifestyle that I had…and this change made ALL of the difference.
One of the first people I met at college was a friend’s cousin, who happened to be the president of the Baptist Collegiate Ministry on campus. I got involved there and started going to worship once a week and women’s Bible study once a week. It was in that women’s Bible study that I began to see who God REALLY is. I was surrounded by amazing women of God who poured into my life and told me about a God that loves me and wants a relationship with me. They told me about a God that didn’t care about who I WAS, but only about who I AM. A God that sent His son to die for me and for all of these sins I committed. They loved me despite my flaws and through them I saw a true picture of who God is.
There’s so much more that I want to share, but the basics is that once I saw a glimpse of who God really is, I knew I wanted more of Him. I poured into learning more about Him and have continued to do so ever since. Of course I’ve had struggles, we all do, but now I know who I am in God and that is what matters! That was 5 years ago…and I’m thrilled to say that God HEALED me and REDEEMED all that I put myself through. I continued struggling with these issue a little my first year of college, but I haven’t struggled with ANY of these things in 4-5 years now. My God is AMAZING!! While I wouldn’t wish my story upon my worst enemy, I thank God for bringing me through it. I have had friends over the years come to me when struggling with similar issues because they know I’ve been there…I know what it’s like and I’m not going to judge anyone. God gets so much glory in who I am because He saved me from the pit of hell, eternally and from my own living hell. God saved me because His will was for me included sharing this story to others.
God is there, ALWAYS. He loves you and He wants a relationship with you. It doesn’t matter what you’ve done or who you were. God cares about who you ARE.
I feel like I should put out there that I did in fact have a lot of fun in high school as well. I had some amazing friends that even when I broke down and confessed this, they stuck by me and did all they could to support me. I enjoyed my high school experience, but part of what I was going through included me living two lives…enjoying my time with friends and activities and then going to the nights where the enemy owned me. Thank GOD He fought to have me back with Him!
If you have any questions or just want to know more feel free to e-mail me, there’s a tab to the left if you want to get in touch.
Our God is an awesome God!
