Kenra and Heather: the Very Worst Missionaries.

An expose from a newly released team-leader and financier on the secrets of doing everything wrong on the World Race (the stuff you don't read).
 
As we prepare to fly back to the US in three days, we sit in a hut on Lake Malawi reflecting on our time as the team leader and financier of Team Talitha Koum (our five-woman team) and Team Selah (our seven person mixed team).  Over handfuls of granola and a bar of mint dark chocolate, we realize, suddenly, that we've done a lot of things absolutely, terribly, wrong. In an effort to be completely honest with our readers, we decide to do what any self-respecting Racer would: 
 
A Tell-All Blog. 
 
Here, without further introduction, are the true tales of vanity, gluttony and extreme desires for caffeine and cleanliness, or, our top twenty-one "Very Worst Missionary" Moments. 
Enjoy!

 

21. THAILAND: Decide to receipt elephant rides as "local transportation."  Pay for seven people.
 
 
20.  MALAYSIA:  Having a "minor" emotional breakdown when we realize that we haven't felt cute (or even, like ourselves) in months.
 

19.  UGANDA:  Accidentally proposing to 400 Ugandan boys at the local high school.
 
18.  MALAWI:  Spending whole afternoons daydreaming about wearing anything that will get rid of our horrendous farmers tan lines. (We call that vanity, people.)
 
17.  ALL GIRL TEAM / ALL COUNTRIES:  Turning team-time into a two hour debate about what American foods we miss most.  Then scheming about the lengths we'll go to get them.
 

16.  AFRICA:  Asking every child under the age of 3 if "you need a mommy?"  Seriously consider stealing an African orphan.
 
15. VIETNAM:  For a birthday, recreating a Top 10 music video with semi-scandalous dance moves and posting it on all our blogs.
 

14. KENYA:  Realizing that it only cost four cents a minute to call the US on a local SIM card and buying minutes to call the fiancee back home without telling team for worry of a riot breaking out.
 
 

13.  UGANDA:  Taking one look at the bus to our ministry site and deciding that it's a better idea to hire a man on the side of the road whose van looks slightly more clean.  Pay double.  Maybe triple.  Hire him again for the trip back.  Totally worth it.  Carry our own water all month as a way to compensate.  (Thank goodness because it almost looked a lot like this!)
 
12.  MALAYSIA:  After fasting for three days, completely remodeling a girl's home and then, at its completion, wanting a shower and air conditioning so badly, that we walk a mile, then get on a bus (that is so packed we have to stand) for 45 minutes to get there.  Break fast with delicious Lebanese food and Starbucks. 

11.  UGANDA:   Purchased a portable hot water heater on team budget for the express purpose of having hot showers for the first time in at least three months.

 

10.  VIETNAM:  Going to a coffee shop with our entire team with the express intention of sitting as far away as possible, plugged into our computers, iPods and anything but the real world.  #thingswelldoforalonetime

9.  THAILAND:  Cast out demons by cursing and throwing anything within reach before realizing that worship is warfare and changing tactics.

8.  THAILAND – MALAWI:  Being notorious as the "unreachable team" because we forget to put in our SIM cards or answer our phone.

7.  MALAWI:  Being so dirty that the church we're visiting for the weekend takes it upon themselves to boil water so we can shower.  Break the pumice stone in an attempt to scrub our feet.  (It's the nicest thing anyone ever did for us on the Race.)

6.  TANZANIA:  On the first night of Ramadan, having dinner with a family of Muslims after our contact forbids it because "Muslims are dangerous."  We choose to believe in love over religion.

 

5.  UGANDA:  Spending all the personal money we have for the month in an attempt to make a teammate's birthday extra-special.  The ingredient of choice?  Cheese. 
 
4.  TANZANIA:  Using Prison Break as a way to learn about prison ministry… then never actually doing prison ministry.  (Michael Scofield can break us out of jail anyday!)

3.   CAMBODIA:  Letting your team think you're the selfless leader for staying with the injured teammate during Debrief at the International Hospital, knowing full well that there will be internet, air conditioning, a flat-screen TV and an incredibly soft couch to sleep on. Did we mention the room service?

2.  GUATEMALA, NICARAGUA, ViETNAM, TANZANIA and MALAWI:  Being missionaries with a serious love of ocean view property.  (No, we didn't steal this photo from google.)
 

1.  Finding your other half in month four after absolutely ignoring each other since Training Camp.  Thank goodness our initial judgements were so wrong.