“Some periods of our growth are so confusing that we don’t even recognize that growth is happening. We may feel hostile or angry or weepy and hysterical, or we may feel depressed. It would never occur to us, unless we stumbled on a book or a person who explained to us, that we were in fact in the process of change, of actually becoming larger, spiritually, than we were before. Whenever we grow, we tend to feel it, as a young seed must feel the weight and inertia of the earth as it seeks to break out of its shell on its way to becoming a plant. Often the feeling is anything but pleasant. But what is most unpleasant is the not knowing what is happening. Those long periods when something inside ourselves seems to be waiting, holding its breath, unsure about what the next step should be, eventually become the periods we wait for, for it is in those periods that we realize that we are being prepared for the next phase of our life and that, in all probability, a new level of the personality is about to be revealed.”
It’s been a really strange two weeks being home. I’ve been spending an incredible amount of time alone- shopping, watching movies, running errands, reading, walking… I even went out to eat by myself. I spend an incredible amount of time in my new hammock, not doing anything… just sitting and swaying. At first, I thought I was just enjoying the time by myself because I never really had alone time at Training Camp. I thought I was just taking time to bounce back from the emotional and physical roller coaster camp threw me into. I thought I just needed… time.
Don’t get me wrong, I definitely needed some space to bounce back. But I think now I’m simply just changing. Growing. Camp opened up a door for me. A door for me to grow into a better woman of God, a better friend, a better sister, a better daughter. I think taking steps into something much bigger than yourself throws you into a whirlwind of change, whether you like it or not. You lose yourself into this bigger plan that God has created for you, into a deep abyss where you search for pieces of yourself that you didn’t know you needed to search for.
Some days I feel hollow. Some days I am filled with joy and hope. Some days I’m filled with doubt about being able to go on this trip. Some days I seriously struggle to trust God’s plan. Some days I’m simply angry. Some days I fully trust God’s plan. Becoming a part of this journey, you walk in believing you are setting everything down for the greater good, which you are, but I failed to remember that the greater good does a number on you as well. Pushes you into growing pains; beautiful, wonderful, and terrifying growing pains. Shoves you through the door that was opened, and you land flat on your face.
I wanted to make this short post not only for me to process, but for anyone going through something similar. Whether you’re experiencing this now, or in the past, or sometime in the near future, I think these times that we have alone with God are vital to our human experience here on Earth. Vital to our relationship with Him, and vital to ourselves as a whole. These moments of faith in the unknown are powerful. I think this is a time to be cherished.
I hope anyone out there experiencing this holds onto hope and has faith in what will be. Easier said than done of course… Stumbling around in the abyss trying to find our way is difficult. Being scared, lost, broken, unsure, unsteady but trusting in God is a skill that I think can never be truly mastered. It’s a life long struggle to be able to 100% trust God in every aspect of our life in my opinion. It’s human nature. But these are the moments I think we will reflect on as we grow with ourselves, and with our community. I hope you push to grow just as God is pushing me right now, and I hope you encourage others to grow as well. So many great things happen after a really good storm.
Psalm 30:5 – “His favor is for life; weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.”
