The title of this blog were spoken to me just yesterday by my strong, kind, and loving dad. It holds so much weight to me now, in this moment, in my hotel room. Saying goodbye to my parents was the hardest thing I have had to do for a very long time. I could barely eat my lunch because of the anxiety and anticipation of saying farewell. For the year, I won’t be snuggled up with them at Thanksgiving eating my weight in mashed potatoes. I won’t be helping my mom decorate the Christmas tree. I won’t be arguing with my brothers over cleaning up after the holiday dinners. My best friend will move to Costa Rica without my help. People will move forward. I won’t be there, and I know I am going to wish I were. I already am wishing I am.
I’m not going to lie to you. I am struggling, to the point where I’ve been daydreaming about packing up all my things and flying home, hugging my dog again, and crawling into my very own bed once more. That’s comfort, that’s home. Moving forward and daring to step out is such a bold and brave thing to do, but it’s also terrifying, to the point where it’s almost crippling. Especially when this big thing you’re doing involves cutting off contact with home, being halfway across the planet, spreading the love of God… for 11 entire months. It is really here. It is really time.
What is keeping me here and keeping me sane is reflecting on the time that I heard about the World Race. It was last December, and I was sitting in the dining area with my mission team in Haiti. It was without a doubt the THING I wanted to do. It wasn’t even a question. I had been feeling upset about leaving Haiti, feeling that I wasn’t done yet, and more that God wasn’t done with me yet. It felt that I had a direct phone call from God, Him nudging me forward and pushing me to my limits.
I signed up for this trip to get uncomfortable. In truth, I am 100% not ready for God’s kingdom to change me and the people I come in contact with because I know it will involve some deep, dark, crappy times to get to the good stuff. But no journey begins at the top of a mountain. In the valley, when we are stumbling to find our way, falling over the rocks and seeing no end in sight, that’s the starting line. It’s not glamorous or poetic. It’s just plain rough. Grasping for something, ANYTHING to propel you forward, holding onto that strain of light that you see in the distance, is not easy. But it is so worth it. This will be worth it. And if you’re not questioning what you’re doing in life, then are you really living? Are you really spiritually growing? Who are you trying to become? Who is God calling you to be? What will you say yes to?
The World Race is here. I fly for India tomorrow. My teammates are now my family, my church, and my comrades as we stumble through the valley together. I am not ready, but I can promise you I don’t regret saying yes, because I know God will bring me to that beautiful mountain top.
