“If you clear out all that space in your mind that you’re using right now to obsess about this guy, you’ll have a vacuum there, an open spot – a doorway. And guess what the universe will do with the doorway? It will rush in – God will rush in – and fill you with more love than you ever dreamed.” -Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat Pray Love
I’m now sitting in one of my best friend’s bedrooms in her small yet cozy Atlanta, GA apartment. The AC pumps through the vents and I’m sitting on a real, actual, comfy bed. I can’t help but sit and close my eyes and enjoy the comforts of home, and the comfort of my best friend. Living without the simplest things can make you seriously appreciate the things you have. This is no secret.
The past 10 days hurled me through my life. I was expecting to go to camp and simply learn about travel, how to live out of a backpack, and learn about ministry. What I got instead was 10x more. Don’t get me wrong, I definitely learned all of those things. I learned how to set up and put away a tent in 10 minutes, maybe, someone time me. I learned how to efficiently get ALL of the air out of my sleeping pad so I could stuff it in my pack. I learned how to hand wash laundry (yep, never done that before- go me). I learned the ways that different cultures eat, greet each other, and different meals that they had. I learned how to take a bucket shower (full of freezing cold hose water) at 6am in the cold morning air. I learned how to stomach really strange food. I learned that you can’t have your head exposed in India.
Those are all earthly things that I learned… while important, it was still expected. What I did not expect was the conversations I had with God and myself. They brought up concepts of forgiveness, cutting ties with things and people that do not serve me or my purpose in live, and this idea that we put on a mask, a false self. Because the truth is, the next year is going to be intense. So intense that our pasts will be poking us on the shoulder, hoping we turn back and dwell on it. And that’s ok sometimes- but we have to be able to move forward with love and grace.
I came face to face with some very dark parts of my life that I had stowed away. I came to camp putting on a show that I was a perfect Christian – pure, sin-less, Godly. I learned in the next 24 hours that there’s no way it will last. My mask was stripped off. My soul was out in the open with my squad. And guess what? So were theirs. I’m not saying we sat around and told all of our deepest secrets (although, sometimes we actually did). But we did tell the jist of our stories and how we came to this trip and how we were called. We shared our insecurities and confided in one another about our fears- Andddddd PLOT TWIST- it was extremely emotional.
I cried during worship when they said to close our eyes and try to forgive people who have wronged us. A girl from my squad, Amanda (wassup girl) I had just met that day, held my hand and prayed over me. I will always remember her words and how she simply sat there with me, holding my hand, while the tears fell and snot flowed through my nostrils. Not to mention I wiped it on my headband- very messy. But it was raw, real, and true, and I finally… FINALLY… talked to God about the things I have been so afraid to.
I leaned on my community emotionally. What I learned is that they needed me too. There is no such thing as a “perfect Christian”. He loved all, He forgives all, and we are redeemed when we seek Him in the light. And that’s exactly what I did these past 10 days. I sought Him. And I found Him. Not in the silent moments of my prayers, or during worship, but in the people around me. Through my brothers and sisters in Christ- I found him. I saw His face every day. Every morning my squad mates smiling at me, a gentle pat on the shoulder, a hand held during prayer, a listening ear when I poured my story out and not an ounce of judgement was in their eyes – I saw and heard Him for the first time in a very, very long time. Up until this point it was a lot of static noise, a lot of unsure prayers, and doubt.
I will never forget these moments at camp. All the fun moments in the heat of Georgia, the silence when I would wake up in the night and hear the crickets, heads rested on shoulders while waiting for Session, hugs when we needed it the most or just to spread love. Now, I’m not saying I am completely healed and am perfect and healthy now. But I will say this – my doorway is open. I unblocked all the messy things I had been allowing me to hold me back. Because I showed people my past, and so did they- and I was truly seen and heard, and I truly saw and heard them.
Amazing things are done through Christ. I am incredibly lucky to go on this trip with these people- these people who held me during the most tough points of this camp, and laughed with me during the best parts. Whatever He has waiting for us, I know He is listening now and will use us to spread His kingdom. He’s all around us, trying to speak to us, we just have to get on the same frequency of him and seek Him out. And that it is never, EVER, ever too late to find your identity in Christ. God is Love, and Love is Real.
He’s waiting.
