It took me a while to debate with myself whether or not to post this, whether or not people still care, until I decided that this blog is more something for God, for me, and for people it resonates with. If you took the time to read this- thank you. It’s been quite the year being home and I’m ready to finally, finally close this chapter.
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You know those self-discovery movies where people set out on a journey to find themselves, or God, or purpose, or love, or all of the above? Those movies always end the same. They’re gazing off into the sunset, or riding away in a car on a sunny day, or they show flashes of the future how everything turned out amazing and the world floats on rainbows and butterflies. They don’t show what comes after, or if they do, they don’t show how they got from point A to point B.
Because it’s not pretty.
There’s a lot of sleepless nights, trying to hold onto that happy person gazing into the sunset, riding away in that car. They had achieved what they wanted, or at least most of it, so why is it so damn hard sleeping in my bed at night?
I came home and experienced a lot more anger and frustration than I had wanted to. I thought I would come home with all the answers on what to do next. I thought I would be in contact with all of my friends the time. But we get jobs. We get engaged. We get busy. And you get lonely. And you start to realize how much the movies lie.
Once all my anger and frustration subsided, it was time to make a choice. Do I stay at home and start doing the same things that I was doing prior to this trip? Or perhaps… take a chance on something again.
I had already done something so crazy and so new and so risky. Why would I want to do that again so soon? And I’ll tell you why right now- I was trying way too hard to stay the same. I did not want to change anymore. I wanted to be that person I was and not move in any direction, just stay frozen in time. But that goes against science, reason, everything God calls for our lives. We are always, always, always changing. To not change is to not live.
People don’t do these big life choices, change, and become a new person, and that’s the end story. We make choices every day. Every day we change, shape, mold into something new. And it’s up to us if we want to change into something for the better. Because there were, and still are, times when I chose to change into something for the worse (shout out to my old unhealthy habits!)
I now live in Charlotte, NC in a tiny one bedroom apartment with a dog and cat. Most days are lonely. Saturday nights are spent eating left over crock-pot meals or studying alone. I enrolled in EMT school and face life and death situations every day in the classroom. Soon enough I’ll face it in real life. In my off hours I work a part time job, or I have my nose in my textbook at the library. And when I feel like I need a friend, I go up one flight of stairs and share a glass of wine with my neighbor who’s a single mother.
But that’s just what change is. It can be radical or it can be subtle. It can be social or it can be isolating. A year ago I was holding baby orphans on a different continent and today, I’m quietly sitting my apartment paying bills. There are times where I’ll be hit with old memories of The Race, hiking the amazon, eating dinner over a roaring fire, swimming in the ocean in South Africa, holding a laughing Nepali child, playing card games with our Argentinian host family, laughing with friends, and I snap back to reality. It comes in waves, and after a while, it doesn’t hurt so much anymore to miss that era of life. And I think that goes for any era of your life you might miss, like college or memories of younger, happier days.
Change sucks and it’s scary, since all you want to do is hold onto the person you were and the people you knew and the life you were living. And the big question I ask myself is- does God still move just as much as he did when I was out on the field? Do I notice Him anymore?
Here I am living a completely different life (once again) and I’m not the same person as when I came home. I wake up some mornings and just feel different. I can’t tell you if it’s a good or bad feeling- it’s just a weird feeling. I talk to the Starbucks barista while she makes my coffee before class. I smile at people I walk by and sometimes they smile back. I watch my dog wag her tail at children who come up asking to pet her and I smile at how gentle they are. I sit in silence in the middle of a hike and look out at the beautiful green trees and listen to the birds chirp back and forth. I spend quiet evenings on my porch and just think to myself about how God is everywhere. Within me, within you, and within the beautiful green trees.
And I think I’m just supposed to know that right now. I don’t need the answers as desperate as I want them. I’m just supposed to know God is everywhere. And looking for Him doesn’t have to be as hard as I think it is. Just stand true in that fact. Know He is here. And being prepared and brave enough to be born again, and again, and again…
