As a kid, I remember admiring your beautiful blonde hair. I remember putting on your makeup and perfume when you weren’t home. Every kid thinks their mom is the prettiest in the world, but you were an angel to me. flashes of memories flood my mind, where you are bending down smiling at me, tickling me, chasing me, swimming with me. So many times you and Dad both stood in the water, arms outstretched, saying, “Jump sweetie! I’m right here!” And I would jump with confidence, knowing you would catch me.
At the age of 7, Corey was only a toddler, and had just learned how to run. We were on the dock of the lake house, and I remember hearing a splash. Before I had even realized what was going on, you were in the water with Corey clutched to your chest. Your clothes were drenched and your eyes were closed as Corey cried and screamed. I realized that he had fallen in the water by accident, and in a flash of light you were across the dock, in the water, pulling him out. I was silent, just staring at you. My 7 year old mind couldn’t even comprehend the level of love and dedication you had towards the three of your children. Seeing you jump into the water caused all my doubts to flee, I knew you were in fact an angel sent from God.
Then I started to grow. Before anyone knew it, I became a teenager, and I became rebellious. All I can say for this point in time is that I’m sorry. I thought I would be young and invincible forever. Thank you for driving me to the movies, to sleepovers, to school dances, to swim practice, to concerts, to friends’ houses. Thank you for showing up to all of my sports games. Thank you for calling to check up on me when I was with my friends, even though being an angsty teen made me frustrated with you. Thank you for believing me when I said I needed help for depression. Thank you for walking alongside me even though you didn’t understand. You understood my pain, and that was all you needed to know.
Time flies. I remember the mistakes I made in high school like it was yesterday. I’m 90% sure you were fully aware of all the times I snuck out of the house. How I would come home the next morning, and you hadn’t slept at all. All the times I lashed out in anger about the divorce, when in reality it was no one’s fault.
I remember the first time I got my heart truly broken by a boy. I walked through the door, dropped my backpack on the ground, tears streaming down my face. You put your arms around me and simply said, “I know honey, I know.” I didn’t need to say anything. You just knew. And we just stood there in the foyer of the house, with me weeping on your shoulder, and you holding me.
And even though so many things have happened between then and now, that’s always how it has been between us. You just know. Maybe you didn’t understand sometimes, but you had a way to make me feel fully seen and fully love. You know everything about me, from the way I take only cream in my coffee, how I love making fires, how I drive my car with one leg up on the seat, how I hate answering the doorbell, how I have a scar on my chin from when I was little and you took me to the ER… This is exactly why I tell you everything.
This letter is an apology, a treaty of forgiveness if you will..
The things of the past are no more, they hold no weight into the many laughs and strides we will have together. Whatever has happened growing up, with the divorce, with my behavior, with all of our struggles, I hold no grudge. The devil has no foothold in our lives, and the bad parts of the past don’t matter anymore. I hold onto the good moments we have had – coffee dates, shopping excursions, football games, road trips to Maine, laughing so hard we cry, sleepovers, Christmas Eve sitting by the fire, all the late night phone calls to vent, happy hours, fundraisers… These weigh out over all the stupid fights we have had. You are my best friend.
Sitting here in Swaziland, at the ripe age of 24 years. I have learned I have gotten my strength from you. So many people on The World Race and at home have mentioned a few characteristics that I contribute to your mothering. How I can somehow connect to people on an emotional level so easily. Someone told me how whenever she sits next to me, she is immediately comforted. From the second I was born, you have shown me love, and how sometimes it’s not always pretty. There was nothing I could ever do to stop the Lord from loving me, and you have shown me that by example, and you have always helped me to keep my eyes on the cross.
A child’s love for her mother is strong, but I like to think that it’s something completely different as an adult. My love for you grows more tangible each day even though I’m away from you for 11 months. I have met so many people and children without the love of a mother, and my heart breaks for them, because I have been blessed to know your love. It has transformed me, just as God’s love has.
I am walking through some things you have had to walk through as well, and I’m beginning to understand you. All the things I didn’t understand growing up, I’m starting to understand now. And I can’t wait to see you again, to hug you and tell you all that’s within my heart, to laugh, to cry, and to begin the next season of our lives.
I love you mom, you are still an angel to me, ready and willing to jump in and catch me when the waves become too overwhelming.
Hayley
**THANK YOU to all who read this. I will see my Dad in a couple weeks’ time, but not my mother, so this is for her as well as you guys. This is very personal, but I want to include all of my followers in my walk. Being away from family and all that you know for 7 months changes your perspective on many things, and I want to invite you into that space. I hope this letter can speak to you in some way and that it finds you well.**
