I came back to the good ole U. S. of A. at the end of May, so, I’ve been here for 8 months now and it’s been, well, not what I thought it would be like.
It was a joyous reunion with my family in the airport, after nine months and three days of travel I was ready to be in the arms of my family. What I did not expect was everything else. I had gone around the world, seen the Lord move in unexplainable ways, constantly seeking the Lord and his people, I absolutely loved every moment of my gap year. I was ready to see my family and friends; the Lord had given me dreams for what time at home this summer could look like and I was pumped to get started. What I did not account for was the homesickness I would feel. Now, I know, I thought I was “home”, why did I suddenly develop have homesickness, I thought that went away after you were “home”? yeah, I thought so too. Over the next months, and still today, I am learning what I am truly homesick for, and what home now looks like.
I remember finally making through the door to my house on June 1st, 2019 and greeted by cheers, and long hugs, as well as a decorated living room complete with dinosaurs and balloons. After the excitement wore down, I walked around my house a few times familiarizing myself once again with the lay out and details I had forgotten. After that I sat on the couch with my family. I could tell they were bursting with questions to ask me and wanted to know everything! Then I was asked one simple question, “What will you miss?” At that I became a puddle of tears. In that moment I realized I had just said goodbye to the very people that had become my family, my home for the last nine months. They had seen me at my best and my worst. They were with me from the beginning to the end. They knew my story, and they became a part of the events that have been added to it. It was then that I realized how much they all meant to me, all 45. Each one occupies a place inside my heart. As well as the friends I made around the world, more than I can count. One of my wise leaders told me earlier that year, “When you leave and say good bye to the friends you made in a country and think, ‘Why does this hurt so much?’ is shows you loved those people deeply and went all in. And then just when you think your heart couldn’t possibly love the next group of people you will meet as much as you learned that last group, you’ll see your heart will grow to love them just as much, if not more.” And she was right.
Today when I reflect on that moment, laying on my mother’s lap weeping over the people that had become my home, I realize how much my heart had grown. Some days are still hard. Somedays I feel like my heart is broken and scattered among the nations. It longs to be back together, to be whole. My heart is truly homesick for the day I will be in heaven and be with all the people I hold so dear. Just as God’s heart longs for all his children to know him and love him. Meanwhile however, there is a purpose God has called me to fulfill, so I will keep fighting, until everything that has breath praises the Lord (Psalm 150).
