A few weeks ago Hayley asked me to write a guest blogpost for her. She’s about halfway through the race and wanted a parent’s perspective. I knew I would, but I didn’t know what to write until today. I often have a text from Hayley when I wake up in the morning. This morning I received the text I’d been waiting for—“It’s not a vacation; there are some very hard days. But through all of it God is good.” I knew at some point she’d feel it. Truly I expected it earlier in the race. There was a lack of communication with her family is Swazi (Swaziland is where WiFi goes to die, as Hayley is fond of saying). But she was fine with that. Then there was Christmas spent in the cold mountains of Nepal. Nope, she remained positive. But finally, in India, she’s feeling it.
Before Hayley left for the race I wrote letters to her for her to open periodically throughout the 9 months. Some of them are for holidays, but some are dated randomly. “Open on Jan. 15” for example. Admittedly it felt a little bit awkward to write the letters in July before she even left. What do you say to someone who is having experiences you can’t even fathom? And how do you speak into a life 6 or 9 months in the future? Turns out “you” don’t. The Holy Spirit does. Even as I awkwardly fumbled my way through the letters, hoping I wasn’t just repeating meaningless platitudes, I was praying over them. I asked God to give me the words that Hayley would need to hear at that particular moment. Today she texted, “Mom! Every time I open up a letter from you it is exactly what I was going through.” See? Thank you, Holy Spirit. In the Christmas letter I said something about experiencing Christmas when all the material trappings are stripped away. She wrote, “And literally everything I thought I needed for Christmas was stripped away…I was sitting outside in the jungle of Nepal and I had nothing in terms of things but I had everything I could ever need, Jesus.”
When I wrote the letter she opened this week I thought she might be feeling tired and discouraged. I shared how I had a particularly difficult season of life when several painful and grief-filled events had piled up and worn me down. I didn’t doubt God’s love or goodness. But I was depleted and had no words to pray. In that season I took comfort in the intercessory prayers of others in the Body of Christ. I knew without a doubt that those prayers were sustaining me and carrying me. Hayley texted, “Mom I have felt that and I thought that was just me!! I don’t know what to say to pray, like I feel like I’ve run out of words. It’s so comforting to know I am not alone in feeling that and that so many people that love me, especially you, are praying for me.” So I asked via Facebook for prayers for Hayley. And the people of God responded. I have every confidence that those intercessory prayers are sustaining and carrying Hayley through this season.
I’ve been asked many times since Hayley left how I am coping with her absence. I’ve talked about this with Hayley, so don’t think she’ll be offended by my response, but I’m not curled up in a corner crying because I miss her. I’m confident that she is where she needs to be and I’m so thankful that he has this transformative experience at so young an age. What a great way to step into adulthood! Granted, if she was asking to come home because she hated it it would be harder on me. But she’s so happy for these experiences that I can’t help but rejoice with her.
“The place God calls you to is the place where your deep gladness and the world’s deep hunger meet.” Frederick Buechner
The thing I miss the most about Hayley’s absence is that she is growing and learning and experiencing such incredible things and I am not there to talk about those things with her. Yet I know that God is big enough to provide exactly the people, words, and circumstances that she needs, even if I am not a physical presence in her life these 9 months. And of course I eagerly look forward to meeting up with her team in Guatemala in March where we’ll get to join alongside them in ministry for a few days!
