Starbucks, Santa Tecla, El Salvador 4 days ago.
The bus came to a halt, and as I crawled from the backseat and stepped my foot onto the pavement, I realized something.
I had been here.
I had been to this place exactly 8 months before.
Being in this place brought heaviness on me like I hadn’t experienced in a long time..
I was reminded of month 2 of race #1 when I was personally going through a lot of things. And all of my past sin FLOODED my mind. I felt heavy and guilty and shameful of things that happened so long ago. I didn’t choose to feel this way. I just did.
Later that night, I told my team that I felt the need to go back there and pray and release the heaviness and start walking in the process of redemption that God is calling me to.
Training Camp, Atlanta, GA, July 2012.
The process of my new self began– I had a divine appointment in the bathroom with 2 people very dear to me. One encouraged me to read the story of Jacob wrestling with God, in Genesis 32. The other told me that she believes the scar on my hand represents God reminding me that I am new…..
April Fools Day, 2012, Roatan, Honduras.
I broke my thumb. I went home. I had surgery and got a 3 inch scar across my hand. I hated the scar because when I looked at it, it brought confusion. ‘why did this happen?’ ‘why did I have to leave the first race for this?’ ‘I don’t get it God.’
Training Camp, Atlanta, GA, July 2012.
In Genesis 32, Jacob wrestled with God and God physically popped his hip out of socket. Then, told him that his name was no longer Jacob (the deceiver), that it was now, Israel.
I processed this and asked the Lord what he was trying to speak to me.
I got a very clear answer.
I researched “Hayden” and the definition of it.
“Hayden” means heathen. Literally. A heathen.
At first, I was discouraged and thought, wow, not cool, God.
Then, immediately, he said. You are NOT that anymore. I am changing your name.
My middle name is Elizabeth.
“Elizabeth” means consecrated to God. [set aside or dedicate for God’s use].
I am reminded that I am no longer a heathen, I have a purpose and He LOVES me.
And I believe the physical injury of my hand is to remind me that I am, indeed, NEW.
Van ride to Santa Tecla, El Salvador 3 days ago.
I am learning to walk in the newness that God has called me to but it’s HARD.
Learning how to be who He is calling me to be and not being who I have always made myself to be is exhausting. But so beautiful and so good. This particular day, I was heavy, but encouraged…
I wrote this down:
Inside, I feel troubled and heavy
I do what's natural and take it all
But taking this pain and confusion
is different than I had hoped or saw
In my mind, I saw redemption
I saw a heart being repaired
I saw forgiveness and a love
Love I could never doubt was there
I thought this would be easy
Instead, it's easy to see
That it’s a tough process–
Dying to me.
Walking in redemption isn't easy-
It requires some fight
For me to get on my knees
Give him a heart, broken and contrite
It's remembering I'm new
because I'm not a heathen anymore
I'm walking in freedom–
I've stepped through the prison door
I'm not enslaved to my sin
and most definitely not my past
I'm reminded by the scar on my hand,
How his love will always last.
It will last for eternity–
That unfathomable love,
The love that truly can only come
From my Daddy above.
He reminds me I am new—
and the guilt, shame, and burden aren't mine
He took all of that on the cross
once upon a time.
I am forgiven
and I am free
I'm learning to walk in redemption
And I'm learning to be me.
So I give up on my troubles and
the weight of everything I take on
This is me fighting for myself
This is me pressing on
I must become less,
And I must die to me
So that I can walk in redemption
to become the child I'm called to be.
My favorite day of the race happened 3 days ago…
Redemption comes at Starbucks.
I will share the rest of the story in part 2.
'Hayden's not a Heathen.'
COMING SOON!
