Hi friends! To get to the point, I have some news to share: I am coming home.
yes, you read that correctly. I will no longer be going back to Thailand and to Swaziland with the rest of my squad within the next few weeks. instead, I am returning back to the United States.
This might sound shocking at first, but I will explain everything. But before I begin, I want to say how much I loved the last 6 months of my life on the field. I’ve grown tremendously, created life long friendships, and hopefully impacted families forever. I would never give that up and this choice does not reflect how much I have loved the race.
Most of you know, if you read my last blog, that December was a hard month. We left Guatemala, a place I LOVED, and moved across the whole world to Thailand. My race up until this point was “normal” I guess you could say?? I had hard days and good days, I was getting physically tired from doing ministry for so many months consistently, I was growing, and I was loving it- the normal things! But once we got to Asia, things started to go downhill. I assumed it was “the B zone” / the valley / midpoint, which I still believe played factors into this. In Thailand, I struggled with some homesickness through the holidays and worked through a few other personal things, but I grew a lot (check the last couple blogs) and then during our last week actually felt okay- it took 3 weeks to adjust to this new life but that’s normal- and then we packed up to leave. . . again.
Once travel day to Myanmar began, I started to feel somewhat uneasy, but traveling does that to people and I’ve never been here so it was okay. I felt on-edge a lot of the bus ride and I tried to sleep it off, but ended up getting sick through the night, due to what I assumed, and still might have been, car sickness. Y’all should’ve seen those roads! YIKES!
Finally we arrived in Myanmar the day before my birthday. That’s when things really started to go messy. I started crying, and crying a lot, for reasons I couldn’t identity- so I automatically thought it was homesickness again. Homesickness isn’t a usual thing for me, but it has been not the race. But as a couple days went by, I continuously for hours would just weep with no trigger to the beginning and no resolution to stop me. Quickly, I realized I didn’t know the emotions I was feeling. I didn’t know how to process this. I didn’t know what to do. At some point during these days, for the first time, I genuinely thought, “What if I go home?”
Anyone who knows me well knows that ending things early, or “quitting” (which is NOT what this is, but the enemy will try to tell you so) isn’t in my character. I’ve waited to do the race since I was 16! This was it! Traveling? Bucket showers? Tents? Okay, bring it on! And even though crying is a typical thing for me, and yes transitions are hard, I knew that this was different and something wasn’t quite right.
Through the week, I had conversations with my mentor, with the Lord, and with people I trusted. I got encouragement, opinions, and processing questions. And for days, I wrestled and wrestled back an forth. Each day, getting a little worse than than before. I wrestled with thoughts like, “What would people think? What will people say? Are they going to call me a quitter?” And it was all lies from the enemy. And even then, it wouldn’t matter because this is MY journey with the Lord. Me and God- our relationship. I asked the Lord if I was called to do the race, why would I go home in the middle of it? In the end, I’m thankful for the wrestling I had to do. I needed to know what doubt was like. I needed these processing conversations. And I needed to, in the end, be confident in my ability to know the Father’s voice because I am his beloved daughter and I know His heart and He knows mine.
In the wrestling one night, I begged the Lord to reveal an emotion that I needed to recognize. And immediately, I felt fear. I was kneeling at chapel with my team and our mission students, staring outside while we all prayed and realized I was scared out of my mind. I didn’t have anything to be afraid of, but I was terrified. I realized how anxious I had become and started to pay attention to these feelings because for the first time ever, I was feeling them and I recognized it. As the nights went by, I couldn’t sleep and when I did it was too restless and full of bad dreams to truly rest. I realized the “breakdowns” I was having each day were more than likely small panic attacks. And then soon knew what was happening when the big ones hit at the end of the week. All of this was extremely out of character for me. I have never dealt with these things of things. I knew this wasn’t who I’ve always been and that this was beyond being emotional or simply having a bad month.
So I sat with the Lord outside in my eno one afternoon to get an answer and decide because I was done wrestling and crying, and feeling so so bad. And in those moments, he gave me peace in choosing to come home to rest. To come home and be in a safe place where I can be filled back up emotionally and physically, without having to pour out 8 hours a day into a scheduled ministry. To work through the unfamiliar emotions and situations I was dealing with.
Wrestling, choosing, and then following through might have been one of the hardest things I’ve had to do. But my team loved me deeply and so incredibly well though this. They loved me like that the whole entire race, but through this, they truly picked me up when I couldn’t stand. They sat with me while I cried, they prayed with me. They fought with me. They gave me so much grace. I have never had a group of women like this in my life, and I am so proud to say the girls of Ecclesia will be my sisters forever.
My squad, Gap T – y’all are my people! Forever. Knowing you, loving you, sharing the gospel with you, living life with you has been a blessing and an honor.
These people are the most amazing group of humans I have ever met. When I asked the Lord about my squad a few weeks ago, He told me that we were a force to be reckoned with. We we’re given the title of world changers our very first day in Guatemala – and I FULLy believe all the people on this squad will change. the. world. They’ll change the world with the way they love people, they way they worship, they way they live. To be a part of T squad will forever be one of the greatest parts of my life and one of the greatest titles I could ever carry.
It is hard to truly explain it all through typed words, but here was my try. I am choosing to be fully transparent and put it all out here because by being real and honest and transparent, there is no longer any room for shame or fear. Even with this, some people might not fully understand or even fully agree with my decision, and that is okay. But I pray for soft hearts and the same peace the Lord gave me when choosing this to each and every person who reads this blog.
Coming home is a scary thing. I never imagined I would be returning to early and I don’t know what to expect, but I know God is wherever my feet are. I know that I can bring kingdom anywhere. I know that I am going to love my friends and family deeper and with more intentionality than before. I am going to spend so so so much time with my brothers, most likely taking them to as many sports games and practices as I can. I will probably get a job???? (anyone hiring? anyone need a babysitter? dog sitter? idk help a sister out!) But no matter what, I’m coming home very different and with full intentions of loving my hometown and the people in it the same way Jesus would.
I’m praying for community, for rest and comfort and peace, and for an easy-as-can-be re-entry. I’m praying that the next few months, no matter how easy or hard, will grow intimacy with the Father. I am praying that I remain open and welcoming to any plans the Lord has for me, because I know they are better than anything I could come up with.
If you have questions or just want to talk ( about anything! God stories, adventure stories, or even just life stories), please reach out. It might be some time before I am feeling up for it, but I would love to chat and hang out if anyone does. I’m hoping to share a lot of my stories through blogs and photos as I process the next few weeks as well. Thank you for all the love, the grace, and the support.
I am blessed, I am thankful, and I am at peace.
Following Jesus is one crazy adventure, but I wouldn’t change it for the world!
with love – haven
