In the spring semester of my senior year, my world literature class delved into 19th century Romanticism and the romantic poets of the time. When we came across William Blake’s Songs of Innocence and Experience, my teacher had us contrast the two words. What is innocence? What is experience? On the innocence side, my class listed words like pure, naïve, bliss, ignorant, childlike. The experience side boasted knowledgeable, understanding, but also prideful, pessimistic.
“We’re going to go around the room, and everyone must pick a side,” my instructor said. I chose immediately. When the ball was thrown to me, I was ready.
“Experience.”
“Why?” he questioned.
“Because I don’t like to be wrong. I don’t like to know that I don’t know.”
Well, Mr. Sutterfield, if you’re reading this, I’d like to change my answer.
You see, the innocence side intrigues me—it always has. I wish so deeply that I could know what that kind of purity feels like. The kind where I could possess childlike faith in my Father and not care if I said the wrong thing. But the reality is, I still wouldn’t choose innocence if I could.
I would choose experience. But not for the same reason.
I chose it the first time out of pride. It was from a place in my heart where I couldn’t let people see that I was struggling. I couldn’t dare place my façade of a unflawed Christian girl aside. I had to convince everyone, even myself, because if I didn’t, they would know I wasn’t perfect. And then where would I be?
But training camp taught me otherwise. My Jesus showed me that in order to follow him, I must put aside everything, including myself. It was the worship where He revealed to me how to let go, where He whispered into my heart “Come, and I will give you rest.” In a room packed full of sweaty, smelly world-changing followers of Jesus, I felt closer to my Father than I have ever been. The lines of United Pursuit’s Head to the Heart rang true deep in my soul.
There’s no shame
in looking like a fool
when I give You what I can’t keep
to take a hold of You.
So yes. Experience. Not because of pride, but because of Jesus. I know too much to classify myself on the innocence spectrum. I know that there are people all over the world starving. I’ve seen even just a few of the children in Swaziland whose families are incomplete because of AIDS. I’ve experienced what it is like to be in a country where proclaiming Jesus can ostracize you, or worse. I know there are thousands upon thousands of people who have yet to hear the saving gospel of Jesus. So yes, Lord. Let me live in experience—but let me also experience more. Let my heart break for the people who do not know your Name. Let me look like a fool in order that people may see You instead. Let me learn how to follow You relentlessly into the nations. Let me be a vessel of your love because I have experienced it so deeply myself.
Thank you so much for reading and for supporting me thus far. I am about $4000 away from being fully funded!!! Our God is so good. If you feel led to support me on this journey, you can click the donate button at the top of the page or simply pray for me and my squad as we prepare for the next 9 months. I am beyond grateful.
Because He loves us,
Harper
