As the sun dipped down past the horizon, shedding rays of pinks and orange across the everlasting expanse of sky and throughout my heart, I couldn’t help but think that the perfect Artist pulled out all the stops to paint the sky just for my eyes to behold. I see it, I whispered to my Jesus, I see all the light.
Months ago, long before sunsets in Thailand, I heard a statement that shattered my entire universe. I’ve been thinking about it ever since.
“I would follow Jesus anywhere because of the good He has done in my life, but would I still follow Him even if another good thing never happened to me.”
To be completely honest and transparent, I’m not sure.
The Lord has shown so much good to me. With every sunset, I see all of his light. In every child’s laughter, I see his goodness. In my own life, he’s been so overwhelming generous. He gave me parents that love and support me unconditionally. He made my family one that seeks after him. He put me in an environment where I could grow up in the right time and be surrounded by followers of Jesus. He placed friends in my life that pushed me toward Him in every passing moment. The goodness He has done is overflowing in my past and in my present. Because I’ve seen this goodness and experienced so deeply in my heart, I followed Him here. To the land of smiles and sunsets. To a life where His grace is abundant and His burden is light.
But if I lost this all tomorrow. If my world as I know it ceased to revolve. If another good thing never happened to me, would I still follow Him? Would I still believe He is good? Would I still choose to see His light?
I don’t know.
Oh my heart of little faith.
A couple nights ago, in the early hours of the morning, not long before the sunrays would touch my skin, I pleaded with Jesus. And He asked me to do something that could rock my whole world. To pray a dangerous prayer and believe it to my core.
“Lord, let Your will be done.”
Let You be the one thing I seek above all.
Let me know that You are good despite what happens in my life.
Let my pursuit of God be not wavering in the fading world.
Let the purpose of my life be to worship You and You alone.
Two days later, Jesus followed up on that prayer.
My team and I were informed we would be leaving our ministry site and going to a new one for the remainder of our time in Thailand. My heart ached. I desperately didn’t want to leave our home we had created. A home where I was an older sister to 25 little girls. A home where I knew my favorite hideouts and restaurants. A home where I taught English and worshipped in the afternoons and played ping pong at night. I had made so many plans. Plans for my 19th birthday, plans for Christmas, plans for new years. Even plans for the very day we were told we were leaving. I wrestled with Jesus in my heart, just as Jacob wrestled with God until the breaking of day. How could you ask me to make plans knowing that I would not be able to keep them? Why did you allow me to make promises I will have to break? And then just like Jacob, I saw my Jesus face to face. And He asked me a simple question, “Is this not what you prayed for?”
And of course, He was right (just as he always is). You see, Jesus is never surprised. He knew from the very beginning, long before that Thai sunset I watched with Him, that this would happen. It was His will. And sometimes His will takes us through hard things. Scenarios that push us into deeper faith with Him.
So I let myself mourn the loss. I felt the sadness and frustration and confusion. I cried the most I have cried the entire race. But underneath that, I felt the peace that comes from living in His will. I felt the joy that He has been urging me to walk in unconditionally. I felt the rays of the Son hit my skin, and I’ve been spending my time basking in that glorious light.
