Sometimes there are messes inside of us that we don't even know are there.
That was the case for me, at least.I thought that all my chains had been broken, and that there were no more secret struggles or strongholds inside of me…
Until The Lord brought to the surface an unfulfilled desire of mine that I've buried deep under layers and layers of disappointment:
The desire for pursuit.
And the moment He drudged it up, I began to cry. Hard. Not knowing exactly what it was that hurt so badly.
For a 25-year-old woman, I would say that I've had my fair share of relationships…. some more meaningful than others.
I've even fallen head-over-heels in love with a man who I believed I wanted to marry.
But something was missing, even then. I was never pursued, not even when I made the decision to leave that relationship. Sometimes, I think that's all it would have taken to change my mind.
For me, the lack of pursuit came with a price. I paid for it with insecurity, with relationship anxiety, and at times with the dreadful feeling of worthlessness. I started to believe that maybe I just wasn't the kind of girl that beckoned a pursuit, that I was a “take her or leave her” kind of girl… and I buried the desire as best I could….but it never really went away.
Until The Lord did something crazy beautiful with it. He drudged up that desire, the one that He, Himself, had placed inside of me from the very beginning. He brought it to the surface and pointed His redemptive finger at it, as if to say:
“Even THAT desire, I will fulfill for you.”
During worship one night, He gave me an image of a girl running away from a man. From past experience, I would expect that story to end right there, as it has, many times.
But this time, the man pursued the girl. He ran to her and grabbed tight to her wrist, not letting her run any further. He wasn't going to let her get away, even if it meant looking like a fool, just for her. And that was all she needed. A pursuit. The lies of insecurity, anxiety, and worthlessness were ripped away from her in that moment. And they were ripped away from me.
Then the Lord opened my heart to understand that this beautiful image, the one that I had desired to experience for so long, was happening in my own life. That I was that girl. That His Son was that Man. That I have been pursued. That I am still being pursued. And, that I have done my share of running away. But He, the God of the universe, continues to run after me. He has chosen not to give up on me in my wanderings… in my unfaithfulness…..in my ignorance.
By God's grace, I fall under the relentless pursuit of a Man whose attention I am utterly unworthy to attract. So, what else can I do but dedicate my entire life to pursuing Him?
