During training camp in August I heard the Lord speak to me, “you are going to have to fight.” In that moment these words didn’t hold much significance to me, but during the 5 weeks that I spent at home before leaving for the race, I quickly saw that what he had said was true; I was going to have to fight for our relationship. During the five weeks I spent at home I experienced more spiritual attack then I have probably felt in my entire life: Some nights I could not sleep because of fear, and the feeling of a negative spiritual presence around me. I experienced discouragement easily, anxiety, (which I had not consistently felt in a few years) lack of desire for the Lord, frustration and much more. I was not only being attacked, but attacked in areas of my life that I usually feel strong in.
I can almost always sleep, I am one of those people who falls asleep almost in mid air before my head hits the pillow, Anxiety and fear had not been things that usually paralyzed me or infected my being and only happened occasionally. Discouragement and frustration were not often a default or pattern in my life and were only emotions I experienced occasionally. I was being attacked in ways I didn’t expect, and in things I thought I had “conquered” or “dealt with.” The devil is sneaky isn’t he? The Lords words floated around in my mind, “you are going to have to fight.”
Fast forward to my first week of the race in Guatemala; 4/7 of us on the team got sick and found out we had parasites. In talking to our host she told us that in this are specifically it is common for missionaries to be attacked through illness/disease. The Lords words floated through my head again, “you are gong to have to fight.” I was reminded that I may not be able to choose the trials that I face, or the attacks that my come upon me, but I can control my reaction to them. I can choose my attitude in the midst of it all. I then was determined to not let the devil steal my joy in the midst of this sickness. He would not have victory here.
Fast forward to this week, (our first week in Nicaragua). This month is all squad month where our whole squad is living and doing ministry together. The first day when I woke up, I was struck with comparison even in my time of waking and sleeping: did she wake up earlier then me? Is there team doing better than mine is? Are they learning more than me? Hearing from God more than I am? How come I haven’t had any “wow” moments and she has? Comparision struck hard and fast. Which led to frustration and lack of contentment. The attack bled into my time with the Lord and soon I felt like I couldn’t connect. I couldn’t hear him speak and felt like my heart had been hardened towards him.
I can say that I feel the war that is being waged against my soul. I can feel when the devil is trying to harden my heart towards the Lord. I can feel when he is trying to convince me that I don’t need to go to the Lord, or that I don’t need to turn away from the sins that I am aware of, or seek out what God is desiring to speak to me.
The words the Lord spoke to me two months ago floated back through my mind again. “I am going to have to fight.”
I am going to have to fight to stay close to the Lord and to push to get closer, because being close is scary and unnatural. I am going to have to fight to keep my heart soft and to be open to what the Lord has to speak to me. I am going to have to fight to do ministry, to love my teammates/squadmates, to step out of my comfort zone and human ability. I am going to have to fight to be a part of the kingdom work the Lord is doing here.
The very fact that I am typing this right now makes the devil cringe. I know the devil hates that I am on the world race, he hates that I have dedicated the next 11 months of my life to pursuing God and his work here on earth. He knows that we are a threat to him when we pick up a bible, commune with our father, pray wildly and listen and respond to the spirit and he is going to do all he can to keep us from doing any of it.
In all of this, I know that I cannot control what battles I may have to fight, but I can play a part in how I choose to fight.
I choose to fight with his word. I choose to put on the whole armor of God. Not a piece or the pieces that I think I might need for the day. I want all of it. I need all of it. I choose to fight in exposing what the devil is doing and putting a name to each thing he does. I choose to fight in prayer and in calling the body of believers to fight alongside me in prayer. I will not let him attack me in isolation. I choose to seek the Lord and his strength in my struggle rather than my own. I choose to remember: who my God is, how he has never failed, and how he has never lost a battle, not once. Victory is in his hands. I choose to fight my battles reminded that it does not matter if I am surrounded by evil, darkness, etc. because I am also surrounded by the army of the Lord.
“Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the spirit, which is the word of God, praying at all times in the spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints and also for me, that words may be given to me in opening my mouth boldly to proclaim the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains that I may declare it boldly, as I ought to speak.” Ephesians 6:10-20
