How do you write a blog about deep wounds from the past that were never healed, lies that spoke louder than the truth and emotions that felt so real and so raw?
I honestly don’t know…and that’s probably why it has taken me almost a month to write this blog.
But, I think if I take anymore time to write this blog I may never end up writing it.
So, here goes….
At the beginning of last month, as we entered into a very intense spiritual climate I started to feel a lot spiritual heaviness, (the most I have possibly ever felt) and a lot of lies came with that.
I began to hear lies to do with my role as a squad leader:
I heard over and over,
“You are not enough and anything that you give to others at the end of the day is not enough. Someone else could give more, or do it better.”
I heard lies about my identity:
“You are not chosen. At the end of the day you are no one’s first choice.”
I heard lies about my worth:
“You go unseen by so many, you are often forgotten. Those that are forgotten don’t matter.”
These sound ridiculous when I write them down or when I speak them out loud because I know these aren’t true things about me.
I know that I am adequate to do whatever specific works the Lord has called me to do because I carry his spirit within me and I have been given the power and authority to do many things in him.
I know that I have been chosen before the beginning of the world to belong and have a place in his kingdom. I know that I have been chosen to be his daughter and also be a co-heir with Christ, (Eph 1:4-7, Romans 8:16-17).
I know that I am never unseen or forgotten by my father in heaven and I know that my worth comes from him and who he says I am, not what I feel or what anyone else says.
But have you ever felt the complete opposite?
Have you ever heard such strong lies that you feel them deep within your soul?
I have.
On May 11th, (my 24th birthday) I woke up feeling that these lies would be put to the test today. Would I be seen or would I be forgotten? Would I be chosen by others or rejected?
My greatest fear was that all of these lies and things that I had been feeling would be confirmed.
How terrifying is that? Doesn’t that sound like a scary day to walk through?
It totally was.
I quickly felt that the lies I was hearing were being confirmed. I passed people and no one said anything.
A few people wished me happy birthday but most were in response to hearing someone else wish it to me.
The feeling of forgottenness became so strong. I sat on the floor feeling like a vase about to break if touched by anything in just the right place.
Fragile. Broken. Wounded.
Anything that made me feel forgotten shattered my fragile feeling self and tears came streaming down my face.
And if you know me you know that I almost never cry. If I do cry it is most commonly from laughing or at times from feeling someone else’s pain. Most definitely not my own.
I had learned to separate my own hurts from my heart a long time ago and if I did feel pain I closed myself off from actually allowing myself to cry and mourn over whatever was happening.
The night before my birthday as I laid in my bed heart aching and heavy, I asked the Lord to allow me to cry if I needed to and for as long as I needed.
And man did he open the flood gates and also allow me to be fragile in the midst of it.
I think I cried more that day than I have in a single day in at least five years.
I cried everywhere: in my room, in a common room, in multiple bathrooms, probably on the rooftop, in the hallway etc. You name it, I probably cried there.
As the day progressed people did bless me in many different ways: I got a card from the whole squad, one friend bought me kombucha (WHICH IS MY FAVORITE), the squad surprised me in the kitchen with a cake and so much more.
But it didn’t matter. And that’s when I knew that this had to be much more deeply rooted than I thought.
Stay tuned for part 2!
