Some much has been happening in the past few weeks and even if it is not all completely processed I wanted to let you in on all that the Lord has been doing. So please bare with me as you read through the whirlwind of thoughts that I have from the past few weeks.
Here I am sitting on a bus on my way to Swaziland heading into my fifth month on the race. Its crazy to think about all that has changed in the past month.
One month ago I found myself sitting in a similar bus heading to Lesotho, our first country in Africa. I had never been to Africa and had no idea what to expect. Would I feel culture shock? Would the language be impossible to learn after three months of Spanish?
I was in the midst of change and had no idea what to expect.
Then after a week of being in Africa our squad leaders sat us down and told us that they would be leaving one month earlier than expected (after month 5 instead of month 6).
CURVE BALL
A few days after that we got an email from our squad mentor saying that we would have team changes at the end of the month.
DOUBLE CURVE BALL
After four months of being together, full of such crucial months we would be split up.
It was weird thinking about what a new team would like so I spent the next few days talking to the Lord a lot about it.
I had a feeling that I would not be a team leader again. I thought maybe I would have another role or that the Lord would have me act as a support to a good leader. It was hard to not grasp onto what I knew, (in being a team leader) what I was comfortable with and I had to really ask the Lord to make me open to whatever the different possibilities could be. I asked him constantly to prepare me as well as each person on my team for whatever was next for each of us. Whether the change would be underwhelming or overwhelming.
A few days later I found myself walking on a dirt road with my squad leader when she turned to me and told me that leadership had been praying about raised up squad leaders (two people from the squad that would be trained and then take the place of the squad leaders once they left) and that they wanted to extend the offer to me.
I immediately laughed out of pure joy.
Neither of them had known that from the moment I heard what a squad leader was that I had a deep desire in my heart to be one.
She told me that I could have time to think and pray about it and let her know within 24 hours.
After returning from the walk I sat on my bed on the ground and remembered what the Lord had spoken to me earlier that day. During my time with him I asked him what I could do to increase my trust in him and I heard him say, “believe what I say.” I then heard him speak that being a raised up squad leader was what he had been preparing me for. When I first heard those words I wasn’t sure it they were from my own mind or actually from God since it had been a desire of my heart for a while now. So I prayed that if it was from him that he would confirm it.
I then knew in that moment that it was time to believe what he had said and act on it. So I immediately told my squad leader YES.
Everything from this point on feels like a whirlwind.
The next day I told my team and a few days later I left my team, the ministry and the country, to spend the next 10 days in South Africa training with the two squad leaders, my co-leader and our squad mentor.
In those next 10 days so many things changed: I grieved leaving an awesome team, I rejoiced entering into a new team, I learned that my personality type changed, (I am an ISFJ which I had never known before) I learned about my new co-leader, tried new things: like field scenarios, inner healing through something AIM calls soul care, listened to podcasts about many different topics and so much more.
In the midst of all of this I felt some strong attack: the devil ran with all the new things that I was learning about myself and threw many different lies my way. He told me that I wasn’t good enough, that someone else could do this new job so much better than I could and that I needed to preform to be approved off. He fought against the words that the Lord had spoken to me and that I knew were true, that I was chosen, that he would equip me and that I didn’t need to preform to be approved of.
It was crazy how things I felt that I haven’t significantly struggled with in a while popped up so suddenly.
Then, before I knew it our training was finished and we were traveling to meet up with the whole squad for four days of debrief before heading to Swaziland. I still felt inadequate, insecure, and wasn’t walking in full belief of what the Lord had said about me.
But MAN did I have no idea what the Lord was about to do within the next 24 hours.
I had been planning a talk for one of the days of debrief and had two different ideas but just didn’t feel right about either of them.
I walked down to the beach to talk to the Lord about it (YES OUR DEBRIEF WAS RIGHT ON THE BEACH AWESOME HUH??) and asked him again to speak to me about what he wanted to be said during the talk I would make soon. He then convicted me saying that I had placed this talk over our actual relationship and said to me: “just spend time with me for the sake of spending time with me.”
I then had to drop my desire for control in wanting to have the talk planned already and chose to just sit with the Lord. I had to trust that the Lord would speak to me in his timing so that I could spend time with him for the sake of spending time with him as he had asked. AND IT WAS AWESOME, I sat on the sand and simply enjoyed who he is, sang to him, read the word, prayed and did whatever I felt guided to do.
Then the next night in the middle of praying as a squad the Lord started speaking. He was speaking rapidly and I quickly became a note taker. All I kept praying was Lord keep speaking and he did. He spoke through a movie we watched that night, he spoke during my time with him the next morning when I was wondering what passage of scripture I should focus on and the other times I spent with him as well.
Soon I noticed that as he spoke to me my belief increased, my confidence in who I was and in what he chosen me to do increased. I was starting to take him at his word and the lies began to fade away. The words he was speaking to me were words that I needed to hear and also the words that he had for the squad.
It was even cool to see the Lord align my talk with my Alumni squad leaders talk as well without us even talking about it. The Lord placed on all three of our hearts the idea of walking in our identity in the Lord as chosen and beloved and in turn walking In the authority and power of the Holy Spirit in what he had called us to do.
The Lord spoke so much truth into my life during debrief and I am now walking into this next season with greater confidence in who he has said that I am and what he has called me to do and I cannot wait to hear what he speaks to me next.
Its crazy to think about what the Lord can do in a month, a week or even a day. In all of this I cannot help but be reminded that the Lord is in our midst and that he is on the move. I cannot wait to share the ways I see him working in the future.
But in the mean time please be praying for our three new teams by name: Team FAB, Five Multiplied and Spades as well as my Co-leader Lynden and I and our Alumni Squad Leaders as we learn from them this month.
Thanks for following along on this journey with me and supporting me in prayer. It really means a lot!
