Running

November 12, 2009 | by archiveworldraceblogs

 

 

 

 

At 6, my first road race, the DeKalb Corn Fest (Bib number 46.)

For as long as I can remember, I have been a runner. It’s genetic,
I suppose. My father ran successfully and competitively through part
of his undergrad years and continues to train for marathons and Iron
Mans. My sisters and brother run, as well-albeit for different lengths
and goals, but still.

 

I have not run nearly as much as I used to in the year 2009. I ran a
few races, but I have not been in the mood to run for greater distances
 than 13 or so miles. I did run 23 miles on my birthday in March to
commemorate the number of years of my life, but I was neither proud
nor happy with my soreness that lasted a few days later. But it was a
learning experience. To be honest, it still is.

I tend to think that I have to get everything done in a short period of
time, as if there isn’t time tomorrow or next year. Yet, I have come to
realize that it is more important and prudent for me to take each day
at a time and not to rush ahead of myself. This has been difficult
because I have so many goals and ambitions for my life. I want-
and sometimes it feels like a need-to be accomplished and
successful now and not wait for tomorrow or next year or in a
decade to reach what seems vital to attain.

But then, I find myself running. Running from one activity to
another. From one relationship to another. From one dream to
another. The thing is, I run. I run from my fear of failure and I also
run from my fear of success.

A bit off, no? The thing is, I feel like an underdog and I will (and I
do) try anything to rid myself of this mentality. On the surface level,
it may not seem as though I am an underdog. I hide it well-with my
insatiable desire for success, good friends, goals, and creative and
business projects. I am often found in the middle of a crowd or
talking the loudest, but that does not mean I don’t doubt my
self-worth and value.

There are positives in this negative mentality, mind you. I have been
able to focus and accomplish more in recent years than is either
normal or healthy. (Note: I do not say this to be proud, just to be
honest.) I also have a tendency to be drawn toward other underdogs.
I seek after those who are in the corners of the rooms, the quieter
ones, those who look like they need a good friend, and those who
look lonely or are in need of love. I do this subconsciously, but as I
reflect on this now, I do this on a nearly daily basis. The reason I do
this is because I remember feeling extremely lonely throughout
junior and high school. I remember feeling as though I was nearly
completely alone and that I was unable to be honest and open with
others. Mind you, I knew a ton of people and I was busy with school,

tennis, track, volunteering, and my family. But it was not until I was

nearly 19 that I finally had a good friend in my age range. I have had

a wide variety of friends in their 30s, 40s, and 50s since my childhood,

but it was not until college that I began to make friends who were

closer to my age. I do not regret this-there is a time and season for

everything and I understand that now. I also understand that I was not

in a place as a junior and high schooler to be honest and open with

others-or myself, really.

Now, at 23, I have been blessed immensely with a medley of friends
who love me for who I am and not my past and not because of what I
can do for them or what is on my resume.  I still find myself running-
trying not to fail or disappoint anyone (or myself, for that matter),
but I know that I am in a better place to see what He has planned for
my life-be it today, next year, or in a decade.