I’ve been in an over-zealous state of mine in recent months as the days fly by toward the start of training camp and soon–our departure to New Zealand.
It is as if I am trying to “fit” everything possible into these last few months of 2009 and pre-TWR. I sat myself down on Monday (Labor Day) in the wilds of Pickett State Park, where I sat silently with two good friends (Tyler and Jonathan), and I prayed as thunder echoed around us. I prayed for an insight into why I try to fit 24 things into nearly every 24 hours of each day. I prayed for an insight that would shed some light onto this. It is as though I am addicted to being busy and I don’t like it anymore. I enjoy being busy and working with a variety of people in a variety of contexts, but I’ve realized that it simply is not healthy or God-honoring if I spread myself so thin that I am not fully invested in the people and the God that are of much more importance in this life (and the next) than all the experiences and resume-building activities that I take pride in on a daily basis.
The insight was simple, yet potentially profound. I realized that I invest so much of my time, skills, passions, and energy into dozens of activities and projects because I do not like disappointing people. While there are many other reasons that I relish my busy schedule, this is an underlying factor.
I remember being in college and thinking that I disappointed my favorite professors (Andi, Ken, and Shelby) because my grades were not perfect. When this knowledge sunk in, I felt a pain as though they would never look at me again. I felt as though I disappointed them because they knew I could do better and for whatever reason, I did not meet their standards.
Similar situations like this have occurred throughout my 23.5 years of life…from feeling pressured to be perfect from family members…to excessive competition at tennis camps…to running too slow in track in high school and cross country my first year of undergrad…to not being musically-talented and knowledgeable among my musician friends in Nashville…to…
The list continues, but the point is, I am sick of living my life feeling like I am “not good enough.” I daily analyze myself and see my short-comings as obvious signs of my disappointment to not God, but to others and to myself. I AM SICK OF LIVING LIKE THIS. I’ve decided to intentionally pray to rid this thought pattern from my mind and am excited to see how God will use this change in my life. I truly want to look at myself and love myself as God does–or at least begin to try to do this. 🙂
