As I sit and and am quiet (which can be a formidable task at times), my thoughts often wander toward the societal structures that C. Wright Mils analyzed, Milton’s perspective on historical and social rights and norms, Thoreau’s ideas of beauty amid solitude, Nouwen’s spiritual imperatives, Merton’s ideas on God, and Emerson’s love of the past and hope for the future, among other things that are more relevant to the here and now. Such as my life’s ‘call,’ career, friends, enemies, those I serve, those who serve me, dreams, fears, goals, ideas for my up-coming art exhibit, ideas for the short stories that I am writing, the training schedule for my next half marathon (on October 3rd), grad school, potential Ph. D. programs, and what in the world am I going to do after I return from TWR.
I’ve read other participants’ blogs about their needed transitions back into American society and how difficult it was, as well as how exhausted they were. It seems as though I will need to take the month of December ‘off’ to recover from serving and living out ‘on the [missions] field’ for nearly a year.
But then…?
My initial idea, which I am SURE will change*, is that I will visit my family in Chicago and Phoenix, move back to Nashville after TWR, crash on a friend’s couch, take my stuff out of storage, learn how to drive again, find an apartment, and start job-hunting. At the moment, I am looking at grad schools at either Belmont University in Nashville, Tennessee or Denver Seminary out in Littleton, Colorado. Part of me still longs to move out to Cali again, but realistically, even though I do not think that it would be the wisest financial decision for me at this point in time.
And yet…
I am VERY aware that 11 months in 11 countries with an intimate team of 6 or 7 others will change me immensely. I cannot currently fathom how much I will be altered by the countless experiences that feel so close and yet so far at this moment in time. I also cannot currently fathom how God will open my heart to new ideas and dreams through my serving, loving, and working with some of the world’s poorest, hopeless, and loved-less people.
But then…?
Even though I like who I am, for the most part, I thoroughly desire to come back to my Stateside life different. In what exact capacity, I cannot explain. This is ambiguous, my apologies, but I want to love more and to be more compassionate. I find it oh so easy for me to be selectively loving and selectively compassionate. While there are many–indeed countless–faults of mine that are in need of correcting, these two distinctly stand out to me.
And yet…
In addition to my desire to be broken, placed back together, and become more like Jesus on this missions trip, I am fully aware that I will NEVER be the same. I am also fully aware that I may be ‘called’ to additional missional work post-TWR. Perhaps God will ‘call’ me to return to Australia? Or Kenya? Or Romania? Or…? If that is what He wants for my life, I am available to follow.
There are other ideas and options for me, as well (with me, I tend to try to have a million and two options, regardless of the situation, even though I find it essential to seek God in all that I do.)
–> In Bali, some friends have a ministry program that I’d love to help out with. Learn how to surf and teach native children English and computer skills?! Sign me up!
–> Maybe, maybe, maybe–I am trying to convince my good friend Tyler to put in a good word for me at his new job as an adventure photographer on treks and adventures in Guatamala.
–> A friend works at a lobbyist firm, both in D.C. and Nashville, and has told me to give her a call when I get back. I relish working within the political realm.
–> I’d love to work at Belmont University in either their admissions or study abroad departments. The staff, faculty, and students there are fantastic and I’d love to help students decide if BU is for them and where in the world (literally) they’d like to study.
–> I’d love to move back to Southern Cali to work and be a part of my old church there. The community there is filled with such an abundance of beautiful people…I cannot even begin to describe how 1st church-heavenlike it feels there.
–> As previously mentioned, I am thinking about grad schools–either an M.S. at Belmont or a M.A. at Denver Seminary.
–> A few Ph.D programs have caught my attention, as well.
–> TFA (teachforamerica.org) fascinates me and their San Francisco (where I know no one) and Denver (where some of my closest friends live) bases appeal to me.
–> BUT WE WILL SEE… I am open to where He wants me.
*It is funny to me to think about how much I think I know what I want to do with my life and then God surprises me and CHANGE occurs on numerous planes–be it spiritually, vocationally, relationally, geographically, et al–which I am both open to and grateful for. After all is said and done (or written, as it is), who am I to think that I have life figured out? The last time I checked, the God I follow and entrust my life with is not merely aware of my short life, but of all of life and of all time–through eternity.
