I am quite social. I tend to make friends on a nearly daily basis and go out and do a wide variety of activities on a constant basis.
Yet, there are times and places that make me want to just roll up my sleeves, find a comfortable spot in the sunshine, pick up one of my Moleskins, write, enjoy the silence albeit the scratching of my medium sized ink pen, and be alone.
Last night was one of those nights. I had not planned for it to be that way, but with all of the emotional baggage I have been carrying around these past few weeks, I needed to. I needed to be alone with God.
Although…
…I took a break in my solitude to drop by a good friend’s home for a bit before midnight to semi-catch up and talk as the new year quickly approached.
StarLeigh (a nickname I’ve given her in response to her naming me ‘HannahLou’ a few years ago) asked me questions about The World Race and in my tiredness, my enthusiasim faded a bit. But it is not as though I don’t want to go. I do. Oh, how I do. It is just that through my temporary move back to my home state of Illinois, I was not prepared for the emotional turmoil that awaited me. It is nearly always a challenge for me to return to the Chicagoland area and this trip was no exception. To a certain extent, I bring it upon myself with the tucked away emotions that are rarely seen or experienced by me in any other geographical location. But, to be fair, there are past memories that haunt me from this place.
I was so busy saying ‘good-bye’ to the home, family of friends, and life I love in Nashville that I forgot to prepare myself to say ‘hello’ to the emotions that crop up here in the bitter cold suburbs of Chicago.
But that’s life, no? One cannot be prepared for everything. I am realizing this a lot these days–especially as I pack and re-pack my backpack for this up-coming missional journey (and I am not just referring to my physical possessions). I also realized that a few weeks ago when Art asked me how he could pray for me and once again, earlier today, after volunteering with my brother and father at a soup kitchen in east Aurora. While preparing food for the homeless and socioeconomically depressed individuals, I found myself feeling lonely and homeless. It finally sunk in–I no longer have an apartment. I no longer have a bed and everything else that once (just a few days ago) comprised my comfortable life. Three days ago, I had felt a freeing feeling about all this. Today, I feel a sinking feeling.
Everything that I have worked for in the last three years in Nashville is no longer on my horizon this next year. And who knows? Perhaps never again. Through explaining this to StarLeigh, she labeled my emotional state as being “hesitantly optimistic” about this next year because for excited as I am about being used by God through my team and our ministry opportunities in each of the countries, I am also hesitant. Why is this? Why now? It dawned on me that I rushed through high school, then college, and then this past year to ‘make it’ in life–to have a successful career and amazing friendships and yet, I have lost myself in all of it. I have tied my identity so thoroughly into school and most recently, work, that I lost sight of who God made me to be. So in this, in my going on the Race, I pray that my hesitance fades (which I have no doubt about–as soon as I get on the plane to LA on Sunday) and my optimisim soars, just like the countless planes I will soon find myself on.
