Hello my wonderful blog friends. It has been a quick minute since I’ve written. I have been praying lots about what to write. My heart is in every place all at once and it somehow makes absolutely zero sense. Just like that sentence, which also made no sense.
We have been in China for 2 weeks now. I am so full and overwhelmed with Gods goodness, but I’m also shattered to the core of my being. I don’t want to write blogs about our day to day life. Not yet anyways. For now.. I want to write about the real, raw, vulnerable stuff that’s deep down there. The stuff that makes me realize this is truly my passion. I have to fight for my passion and what I want. That doesn’t come easily. I know God is building me up for his kingdom which is very humbling so I’m stepping in. Stepping into my past and whatever junk needs to come out for me to keep fighting for this.
I wrote this little story the other night. As vulnerable as it is, I felt it was from the spirit and helped me deal with my past. Maybe one or more of you can understand this story and find some hope in it. I’ve prayed and wrote a few other blog posts, but I felt this one was the right one to post in this time. Grab your coffee and take a seat because it’s a long one…
I silenced that girl for so long. Saying your feelings don’t matter. Push it down! Be stronger! But she was so brutally hurt. You know what she’s saying? ‘How dare you not take care of me! How dare you put yourself in all those situations. Why did you think you could lie to me like that?! I’ve tried to tell you that I matter too, but you don’t care. You never cared. You made me feel worthless. You made me feel like I didn’t matter.’
That girl was broken. She wanted love and safety. She wanted to be seen and loved through those times. She wanted to be heard. She wanted to feel good enough. She wanted to feel like she belonged. Somewhere..anywhere. So she searched and searched and searched. To what extent? How far do you go? Where were the people who cared? Where was someone when she felt miserably alone? Faith and hope were fleeing away.
That girl…she cried out. A loud roar! No one came. No one ever seemed to. So she ran around and knocked on all sorts of doors. To only be more hurt and let down more than before. She was lost. She was trying so hard to find her place somehow. She was running. She ran so far away. She ran from her past. She ran away from her past decisions. She honestly ran away from her life.
That girl. She was so scared. That 7 year old girl with light in her eyes was terrified. That 17 year old girl who thought she had everything together was horrified. Yelling out saying ‘Someone help me! I’m right here. Hello!’
No one.
It was dark down there in those places, or so I heard. Those demons gathered around her soul and told her worthless things. So she fell into it. She believed those demons and ended up finding comfort in that. She was comforted knowing that something in her soul was shifting. So, harder she fell. The hole in her life got bigger. The emptiness grew stronger. So she taunted these demons. Asking.. ‘how far will they truly go? Will they stick around? Will they keep convincing her of this ruthless reality of the life she lives?’ It was brutal, but comfortable. And somehow that made sense to her. So she walked into places where bad people were. Where bad things happened. Finding some sort of accomplishment in all of it. How far will she go until enough is enough? When will it break? Will it break more than once?
There’s moments that stuck out as significant; memorable even. But she couldn’t remember. Those demons took that memory and filled it with “comfort.” Brain washed, she wondered what good even is. Wondering if there is something more to life than bare bones and grave yards. Is there something out there that’s not as loud and crowded? Because it surely was getting full inside there with treacherous demons and traumatizing memories.
One day, a war started. And many, many days to follow..the war pursued on. A fierce battle ground. Full of demons and figures not yet seen or understood. Out of curiosity, she leaned in, so fascinated by a new being. How did it get here? Why is it so captivating?
And like a ton of bricks..it hit her,
“I’m here to fight for you.”
‘Fight for you? You don’t need anyone’s help.’ She was pulled. She was pushed. She was shoved. But the mystery still remained, who is fighting for her and why?
So she walked a dark path that slowly started showing light. The demons got angry about the light-so she got angry. Real angry. The demons whispered to her that all she’s ever wanted was this misery.
She fought. She punched. She ran. She spoke lies all around. She hurt.
BUT..the light remained.
That figure…to bright to see and too tall to reach would bring new words to her in secret. She had never known that songs could play within her soul, but it did. And honestly, it left her confused. She started to have strange, unknown feelings. As confused as she was, she walked through it anyways. Her feet were placed in two different worlds. Both worlds had a grasp on her, but one grasp was a lot tighter. It hurt how tight it was. After a few years of this unbearable pain, she realized the demons were hurting her.
Broken, bleeding, bruised…
She decided to step closer to the unseen figure.
The demons saw this and tried to claw their way back in; the closer she stepped, the better it became.
Now, this war lasted a while until the battle ground had a thick fog over it. She started to walk into this uncertainty and it felt really scary. Scary but okay. And “okay” was a feeling she never knew existed. To feel okay was exhilarating to her withered soul. The war was coming to an end and fires burned on both sides. But she knew which burned brighter.
None were left except one.
She walked up to this blazing light and felt an adrenaline rush through her veins. This was a moment unforgettable. A memory she could finally remember. There were no more demons to fight through!
So there…in this intimidating, glorious moment…she found rest.
Arms wrapped around her, she heard a faint whisper say “I got you now. I got you.”
Nothing felt more real in her whole life.
She fell to her knees and wept in front of this extravagant presence. All the while, still being held by this strong, comforting grasp. There was no doubt or questioning of what this could be. There was only reassurance and belonging. A place of total surrender and peace. She didn’t need to fear. She just needed to embrace this radical moment and trust it.
The story doesn’t end there. It begins there.
One girl. Angels surrounding her.
And one powerful, loving, persistent Father.
